Party.

I’m currently in this weird, super-lame, self-induced pity party.

It’s strange because I’m well aware of my insanity in throwing this pity party, but, I can’t seem to make it stop. Like, I know I’m psychotic, but, I can’t stop being psychotic. Perhaps you know the feeling,  but you may be much more sane than I. I only hope so.

I can point the finger at a few instigators of this party.

Like the fact that I’m in this horrible stage of my life,  moving on 2 years post college, where I haven’t the slightest idea what to do with my life.

I don’t have a clue. People tell me that’s impossible. But, I promise you, it’s possible. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I honestly don’t even know what I love to do. People say that’s crazy and impossible. I beg to differ. There are things that I like. There are things that I want to like. There are a whole lot of things that I do not like.

But, what do I love? What are my passions?

My goodness, I haven’t the slightest idea.

And, as I racked my brain furiously the other night trying to pick some out, I began a mini panic attack inside because I was coming to the conclusion that I am completely and entirely passionless.

Is that possible?

Can someone be passionless???!

Then the party starts happening in the brain. The, “What? Of course God would make me without the slightest idea what to do with my craptastic life that is meaningless and everyone else is gifted and talented and loves all kinds of stuff and I hate everything  and I’m bad at everything and I just want to lie and bed and eat food because, darnit, I am passionate about food” party.

Perhaps another instigator is loneliness.

I have a handful or two of acquaintances, but, my close friends have long since left Birmingham.  I’ve never been great at making friends. Maybe I have a stench about me. Isn’t it weird how you can be surrounded by people and feel so alone?

Loneliness is never good because pity parties love loneliness. I go way inward, becoming extremely self-focused and self-obsessed, and have way too many lies swarming around in my head at any given moment.

I admit to feeling totally lost at this point in my life. I combat it daily with the Word and with prayer, but, I can’t seem to shake the habit.

I am repenting of the jealousy I feel towards others.

Asking God why.

Why couldn’t it be me who got her dream job after college?

Hey, why didn’t I get to meet the prince charming sophomore year and get married and have babies like every Southern Christian girl dreams of?

Why can’t I have a job that I love?

Why can’t I have gifts and talents that are obvious and that I get to use every day?

Why can’t You tell me what You want me to do?

WhyWhyWhyWhyWhy.

MeMeMeMeMeMe.

I’m afraid of existing. Just existing. Not living. Not truly living for His glory. Just existing.

Just coasting through life, surviving on whatever job I can get, doing this, doing that…not really ever knowing what I want to do or what I’m supposed to do…just existing.

I haven’t the slightest idea what I want to do or be “when I grow up”. I’m pretty lousy at just about everything and I don’t know what I’m really passionate about.

But, this is what I do know:

1) God is sovereign.

2) God is good. Nothing has happened or will happen to me that is not ultimately for my good and for His glory.

3) I’m His child. He is my Father who loves me. He has most definitely not forgotten about me.

4) His plan is perfect.

5) His timing is perfect.

6) His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.

7) He is sanctifying me, growing me, and preparing me, even though I know not what for.

8) I am to be obedient each day, and trust that He will lead me. He will lead me.

9) My life will never look like other people’s lives because I’m not other people. And that’s okay.

10)  I pray ultimately that Jesus will be my passion and from that passion will stream others.

So, yeah, I’m a complete and total disgusting hot mess right now. I am the queen of the pity party. I am thankful for mercy and beyond thankful for His patience and grace to put up with me.

Lord, how I need Thee every moment.

Jesus, thank you for dying for this mess. Thank you for loving me even though I could quite possibly be the most unlovable person on the planet. I’m sorry I’m prone to throw pity parties because I’m so quick to forget all that You have done and continue to do for me in my life. I am quick to forget Your endless blessings, Your unceasing care, Your incessant goodness. By Your grace, make me more like Jesus. I fear I am nothing like Him. And, I want to be.

I love You. But, only because You first loved me. Help me to love like You have loved me.

amen.

-Shara

Pillows and Towels and Blankets, Oh My.

I work the front desk at a hotel. I’m a newbie and am trying desperately to get the hang of things. I have not known a day without mistakes, but, there is grace and patience for each and every one (at least, so far! ) The hotel has not burned to the ground and no one has died…so, I suppose I’m doing something right.

Some days are busier than others. Last night was the busiest I’ve known thus far. My fellow coworker and I were bombarded with endless amounts of requests, complaints, check ins, phone calls, etc. It seemed at most points to be way too much for just the two of us, and it seemed to never end.

It’s the nature of the job.

But, how quick was I to begin complaining.

My feet hurt from standing for 8+ hours. My lower back was not willing to support me any longer. My smiles became forced, and as I stared at the slow moving clock, I longed for 11PM to come.

I wanted the phones to stop ringing. I wanted people to stop asking me questions. I wanted to close my eyes and somehow disappear.

My job is guest service. I am there to serve. Nothing more, nothing less, I am a servant to the guests of the hotel.

But, I did not want to serve. All I could think of was me, myself, and I.

At times, the evil in me is frightening. I am capable of thinking and doing horrific things. More than often, I feel as Paul did in his letter to the Romans…

“For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing…” (7:15; 17-18)

O wretched man that I am.

I’m selfish.

I’m a terrible servant.

I have a bent towards desiring to serve people if there’s something in it for me, if I somehow will benefit from my “service” to another. I will serve, often, in search of a certain response, something to boost my ego and boost my self-esteem. (Not that my “Self-esteem” needs to be boosted any higher. I esteem myself far too much and esteem Christ far too little.)

The problem is…I want to be a great servant. I want to be like Christ, and He was the ultimate servant.

I memorized the book of Philippians last year, and my Scripture readings have brought me back to the book this week.

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (2:3-4)

This verse is followed by what is often called the “Philippian Hymn”. Paul writes down the example of ultimate humility:

     “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

I look at the example of humility and servanthood and love displayed in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, and I can only fall to my knees in repentance.

I was also reminded of a few verses later when Paul writes, “Doall thingswithout grumbling or questioning”. NO complaining, Shara.

            Count others more significant than yourselves.

Why is that so hard?

Why is it so hard to truly love people. Not just loving being around people. Not just loving to be loved by people. But truly loving people.

I have come to understand love far more as a decision as opposed to fluffy feelings. We can’t control our feelings. Our feelings change more often than we even realize. But, we can always control how we act, how we respond. And, I have come to see that as a crucial part of love.

The decision to serve someone humbly even when they are unkind to you.

The decision to serve someone humbly who cannot repay you in any way.

The decision to serve someone humbly whowillnot repay you in any way.

The decision to serve someone humbly who is unappealing and unlovely.

Jesus did not come to die for us because we are lovely, but in order to make us lovely.

“But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matt 20:26-28.

I know that I receive a paycheck for serving guests at the hotel I work at. I’m technically “paid to serve them”. But, last night as I lay in my bed in prayer before the Lord, I asked Him to help me to serve my coworkers and serve the guests out of humility and love for them, stemming from obedience to the Lord. So that, in whatever I do, I will work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.

I begged the Lord to teach me to die to self, to be a servant, and to love people. Perhaps this job is just another part of the sanctification process. I pray by His grace, He will enable me to bring Him glory in thought, word, and deed.

Christ humbled himself and became a servant out of obedience to the Father and for the glory of the Father. May my life do the same in all aspects….within friendships and family relationships, and, if it be the Lord’s will, within a marriage and family of my own.

Father, help me to love and serve people well, with joy and humility, out of obedience to You. Whether it is checking someone in, throwing away trash, or sending up shampoo and extra blankets. No matter what it looks like or might entail, help me to love as Christ has loved me.

Success.

“The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!” And he said to them, “I saw e given Satan fall like lightning from heaven. Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

–Luke 10:17-20

I have this problem. It’s pretty lame and entirely poisonous. You see, I’m an idol worshiper. I have this natural inclination to worship creation over Creator. I have this tendency to put things and people on pedestals and at the forefront of my heart’s deepest longings and affections. I have this idol called approval, and sometimes I feel as though I live for a pat on the back or for affirmation from people. I have this HUGE idol called “self”. I’m self-centered, prideful, and desire greatness and success, amongst other things.

The list could go on.

                If you’ve ever been one of those bored people who have skimmed my blog or actually read it, you have probably come to the conclusion that I’m a pretty messed up broad. I have issues flying out the wazoo, and struggles and challenges are no strangers to me. The road of sanctification is not easy, nor always fun. As the lyrics of a great hymn boldly proclaim, “Redeeming love has been my theme and shall be til I die.”

I mean, the blog title says it all. I am ridiculously flawed. BUT GOD, as Ephesians 2 states….but God.

Arguably two of the most beautiful words in the entire Bible.

In case you don’t know it, or don’t have a Bible near you, I’ll let you in on the goods:

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.”

Ephesians 2:1-7

It just gets better and better.

Anyway, sorry, point of this blog…

I’m reading through the entire Bible again. Different plan. Using the M’Cheyne plan. I love it. If you’ve never read the entire Bible before, I highly highly highly recommend reading it chronologically.  It’ll rock your world. You’ll see and understand the whole story of the Bible so much better, and your mind will be blown by the beauty and awesome-ness of the overall story of redemption. If you have been there done that, the M’Cheyne is great.

The other day, I read Luke 10. My thoughts are from verses 17-20.

Jesus just sent out 72 followers, two by two, on a “trainee mission”. D.A. Carson writes:

“The disciples…marvel that “even the demons submit to us in your name” (10:17). At one level, Jesus encourages them. He assures them that (in some visionary experience?) he has seen Satan fall like lighting from heaven (10:18). Apparently Jesus understands this trainee by disciples as a sign, a waystage, of Satan’s overthrow, accomplished in principle at the cross (cf. Rev. 12:9-12). He tells his disciples that they will witness yet more astonishing things than these (Luke 10:18-19). “However,” he adds, “do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven” (10:20).

It is so easy to rejoice in success. Our self-identity may become entangled with the fruitfulness of our ministry. Of course, that is dangerous when the success turns sour—but that is not the problem here. Things could not be going better for Jesus’ disciples. And then the danger, of course, is that it is not God who is being worshiped. Our own wonderful acceptance by God himself no longer moves us, but only our apparent success.”

Success.

The Lord taught/is teaching me a lot about that; the difference between actual success and what I deem as success.

Take my time in India. I knew my time spent there wasn’t about me. I knew that long before I set foot on the plane. However, as previous blogs attest, it took going to discover I really had no idea how much it wasn’t about me…and how badly I wanted it to be.

I wanted tangible success. I wanted to come home with the stories that would have people in awe, leave people in tears, and have people praising me for a job well done. I wanted to come home with something that I could point to as my success during my time in India.

Thankfully, though it was a painful and tearful week, the Lord called me out on it pretty early on (See http://wp.me/pKoZQ-9n ).

As stated in the mentioned blog, my supervisor told me the following:

Through tears, I told my mentor here all of the above. She said she once heard a speaker ask the group if they would still be willing to [go] if they knew no book would ever be written about them, no newsletter or article, they would be long forgotten, nothing would come of their work in their lifetime, no one would know their name…no one would even care…

That is my ideal…but, I can’t honestly say I’m there yet. But, I long to be. Oh, to be at the end of self.

A friend, unknowingly, sent me Hebrews 11:13 that week. The sermon at HC expressed “getting over our painful selves”, and asking “If it wasn’t until you left your work and ministry that incredible things took place…would you be okay with that?”

Do I love God or the stuff I do for God?

Just like the disciples were rejoicing in what God did in them and through them, we often do as well…and, there’s nothing wrong with that. But, it’s tempting to love the success more than the One who gives it. It’s tempting to crave the success more than to crave the One who receives the glory for it.

Is God ultimately at the bottom, at the core of my affections? Or is success/praise/fame/glory?

If we find our identity in our ministry…in what we do, and the success (measured in our terms) of it, what happens when, as Carson writes, it goes “sour”? What happens when we begin to “fail”? Or what happens when, like I found out in India, success doesn’t happen the way you want it to?

Anger. Frustration. Jealousy. Despair. ?

YES, by ALL means, let us REJOICE in all the wonderful and incredible things that the Lord does in us and through us to the praise of His glorious grace, but, let us not confuse the success for the One whom our hearts truly long for and truly need.

For if GOD is at the bottom of our joy, if He is the foundation, no matter what happens in life, no matter what “fails” and what “succeeds”…it won’t matter, because God never changes. He is immutable. He is perfect in all of His ways. Everything He does is good and right and just. He will always remain steadfast. Our worlds and our ministries and our jobs and our “successes” may crumble to pieces, but our Foundation will NEVER crumble. Let us rejoice in THAT. Let us rest in THAT.

The Lord will bless many of us with fruitful ministries. He may send some of us to difficult places and we may die never seeing our work come to fruition…and, every scenario in between. But, Jesus says to his disciples not to rejoice too much in what God has done through them, for an even greater blessing is their eternal salvation.

In Christ, we get GOD.

We don’t come to Jesus to get success. We come to Jesus to get God.

D.A. Carson continues:

This has been the sin of more than a few “successful” pastors, and of no fewer “successful” lay people. While proud of their orthodoxy and while entrusted with a valid mission, they have surreptitiously turned to idolizing something different: success. Few false gods are so deceitful. When faced with such temptations, it is desperately important to rejoice for the best reasons—and there is none better than that our sins are forgiven, and that by God’s own gracious initiative our names have been written in heaven.

And that by God’s own gracious initiative, our names have been written in heaven.

Awesome.

-Shara.

Jack up my life.

A prayer.

 

Reorder.

Father, reorder my affections; reorder my aspirations.

Reorder what I crave,

Father God, reorder where I find affirmation.

 

I look in the mirror and desire beauty,

Not the inner kind that lasts,

But I want the physical like it’s my duty.

How I disdain over my appearance

and wonder longingly upon others’

How twisted, how sickening,

Lord, reorder this want that smothers.

 

I fear man more than You

I cower when I should speak

Open my mouth, reorder my words

May fearless Truth from my lips continuously leak.

 

Reorder where I find joy

Not in beauty, fame, or boys…

May You be my highest prize and my greatest Treasure

Give me love for You that grows, grows, and GROWS…

exponential growth without measure.

 

Reorder my idol of self

Replace the idol of me on my giant pedestal with You

You increase, I decrease

in all I think, say, and do.

I’m prideful, I’m selfish, I’m arrogant, I’m unkind

Reorder these characteristics

Take my lustful sinful heart and leave Christ’s behind.

 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.

The old has passed away; but, still in sin I find elation

Father, empower me to put on the new self , Father, reorder it ALL

Dead to sin, alive to righteousness

Daily, God,help me to follow Your call.

 

Reorder my dreams,

make them align with Your will

Make disciples of all nations

To the ends of the earth, You are with me still.

You are good, You are faithful, You are God and I am not.

Help me to never belittle the Cross

Where reconciliation to You was bought.

 

Reorder.

Satan and his minions desire to destroy;

To disorder my affections, to take away my Joy

Put on the whole armor of God,

Paul proclaims

Praying at all times

to extinguish the flaming darts Evil aims.

 

My prayer is that You will reorder.

Father, jack up my so called life and help me bid my old self adieu

And, may I like the Psalmist proclaim from the rooftops

There is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.

 

 

2011.

I had the privilege of sharing life stories over a cup of delicious coffee last night with a long lost friend.

I love talking about life. I love talking about the funny stuff, but, I really love talking about Jesus stuff.

As I shared a brief overview of this past year, I realized I hadn’t thought about all that had happened in so long…recapped the big picture of 2011.

My goodness, the Lord has been faithful to me.

He proved Himself over and over and over as Jehovah Jireh.

He never stopped surprising me.

My favorite verse of this year has been:

“If we are faithless, he remains faithful– for he cannot deny himself.” 2 Tim 2:13

It has continued to rock me and challenge me, convict me, and astound me. There were times this year I’m not sure how I would have survived without the knowledge and the truth that radiates from this verse.

By His infinite mercy and grace, the Lord has continued His process of breaking me and molding me.

There was so much beauty in my brokenness, to the praise of His glorious grace.

I asked Him to break down my pride. He did.

So much pride fills every facet of my being. He is working on me.

He has taught me numerous lessons, many of which, are typed out on this blog. Some of which, are scribbled out in my journals.

I have so many more lessons to go. I’m excited for the ones 2012 will bring…as well as nervous!

I was stretched. I was angry. I laughed. I cried. I was well. I was sick. I was joyful. I was sorrowful.

I don’t look back at 2011 and see many great things that I did or accomplished. I couldn’t write a list or tell you any stories.

All I see is me learning a whole lot about how it really isn’t about me.

Lay down my crowns.

It’s been awesome.

Thankful for the countless memories, the challenges, the beauty in the ashes.

As scary as the unknown is for me (…all of 2012), I rest assured in the knowledge that God is already there. He knows every detail of every moment of every day of 2012. I know I can trust Him.

May 2012 be ALL about You, my King.

Loved ya, 2011. Thanks for those 365 days.

-Shara.

New Years Resolution: John 3:30.

(…and to finally, after 4 years of wanting it, get that verse tattooed)

BLESSINGS!!

Home is where the heart is.

Well, I’m home.

I stepped foot on American soil December 13th.

The first thing that caught me off guard was how tall everyone was. I went from feeling like…

to feeling more like…

It was strange understanding all of the conversations happening around me and not just picking out words here and there. However, after over-hearing a few of the conversations, I began to wish I didn’t understand what they were saying.

The flight over was quite an ordeal.

The day of departure, India bid me farewell with a lovely gift of food poisoning.

Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

My fellow comrades laid hands on me and prayed for healing before the long flight home.

About 10 minutes later I had my head bent over the toilet….5 bouts later…I felt some relief, loaded up in a taxi, and headed off to the airport.

It all started going downhill pretty fast. I had to run out of one of the lines to get to the bathroom, and when I finally got through the line, the man checking my passport didn’t believe it was me. Among many things, he said I was far too pale, and I was not pale in the picture.

I kindly said, “Sir, I don’t feel well…perhaps that’s why.”

(What was running through my head?)

“PROBABLY BECAUSE I’M GOING TO PUKE ALL OVER YOU IN ABOUT 30 SECONDS!!”

I’m not a very nice person. That’s why I need Jesus.

A LONG time later…He let me through.

Long story short…I puked my guts out on the first plane in a barf bag. So embarrassing. There is nothing not embarrassing about walking to the bathroom holding a bag filled to the brim with your vomit.

On the second flight from London, I got puked ON by a little girl in front of me with some serious projectile vomit.

On the last flight…well, I reeked of vomit.

Welcome home.

Home.

Strange.

Jet lag was the worst. It was completely miserable. I was so jacked up. I’m still not sure I’m back to normal.

I knew it would be hard. I was told over and over that no one would understand. I knew that. I knew it would be frustrating. I knew it would be hard.

But, alas, it’s different knowing it in your head and seeing it translated out into action in real life.

Not going to sugar coat it. It’s been tough; really tough.

Random things have made me angry.

I fight getting horribly annoyed when people ask me how my “trip” was…and don’t really care what I say afterward.

I pray for the Lord to give me grace. Grace upon grace. I can’t expect people to care. I can’t expect people to understand. I can’t expect anyone to listen. And…that’s okay. That’s normal.

But, it sucks. Pardon the slang, but it sucks.

I feel very lonely most of the time. Very…very lonely.

I think it’ll be therapy just to have one person ask me about my life in India…life, not trip…I didn’t spend a weekend at Disney World…and, actually, genuinely, want to know about what happened. Just one. It would be such  sweet therapy.

I haven’t had one person ask me since I’ve been home.

I know I haven’t been home long, but, it hasn’t made it any easier.

I never cried once while in India strictly about being in India. But, I’ve cried at home about being home.

Home.

I’m thankful for the hot showers, the comfy bed, and the fact that I don’t smell like all kinds of death…and look like it too.

I’m thankful that men pee in bathrooms here and not all around me.

I’m thankful for Chick Fil A…and the readily available amount of cheese everywhere.

And, of course, the many luxuries of daily life in the US.

But, I can easily do without all of the above.

Home.

It doesn’t feel like home.

Yes, my parents are here, as well as my brother and sister and dog.

But, I think I left my heart scattered all over a certain country.

I think I left it here…

or here…

Maybe here…

Or there…

Maybe in the overcrowded bus I would ride…

Maybe in a cup of tea…

In the stories…

Or these faces…

I long to “go”…and I hate the idea of not “going”.
But, I also hate the idea of living somewhere else in my head, and not living to glorify God right here right now, wherever He places me.

My Father in heaven is infinitely GOOD.

By His grace, He has my heart.

I long for Him and for Him alone to own my deepest affections and my deepest desires. He alone is worthy of them, and in Him alone will my soul find ultimate satisfaction and fulfillment.

Wherever He leads me, He will be with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Wherever He places me,  I will live “all there”. I will be all there.

As hard as it is. As scary as it is. As uncomfortable as it is.

Father, take my heart and let it be, consecrated Lord to Thee.

Home is where the heart is.

With You, Lord, I am home.

You are always with me.

So, wherever I am, I am always home.

By His Grace,

Shara

(***Photos NOT taken by me. Mine did not look this good. Taken by my two awesome friends Jennifer and Liz who are both incredible photographers and receive ALL CREDIT )

 

“I want to go home…but, I don’t want to leave.”

(This is the final update I emailed out. I haven’t blogged in awhile, so, thought I’d post it as a blog…will blog more when I get a chance/formulate a way to put something into words on a page)

 

I glanced over a November calendar and I braced myself for the end. Each month had flown by so quickly, I knew November would be no different. I would choke back tears contemplating the end; therefore I often tried my best to block it from my thoughts. But, alas, time slipped away from the clutches of my hands, and now I am left writing you this final update. I am, with both sadness and joy, writing to you… the end.

Let’s see…November…I will cover the “main things”. In November, my partner and I had a plan. I’m not sure why. One day I wrote the following in my journal:

“Today I made a plan. Nothing happened according to that plan.”

More often than not, that seems to be the theme here in South Asia. Nevertheless, contrary to every natural instinct I possess, I have learned to roll with the punches.

After a bit of “miscommunication” (Grrr…also a theme here in SA) two days before our long anticipated Anti-Trafficking Drama Workshop, my partner and I found ourselves devoid of a workshop and devoid of a plan. Thankfully we work alongside a team possessing of people who are far from quitters. My “desperately-need-a-planned-out-organized-overly-prepared-schedule-for-all-events” self has much to learn from them. A schedule, PowerPoints, videos, nametags, phone calls, and two freaked out “leaders” later, voila; we had our very own “Human Trafficking Drama Workshop”. Over 20 participants joined us to learn about trafficking in the world, India, and, more specifically, in the Northeast; the trafficking that is happening all around them. They also gathered to learn what they can do about it. We exposed them to the “street drama” awareness tool that is being used in India. We had them share stories that they knew, showed them some tools for turning those stories into dramas, then had them work on doing just that. God is faithful. He is sovereign over cancellations and miscommunication. Nothing catches Him off guard.

Thankful for that.

My song-writing MBBs (Mus.lim Background Believers) travelled back over to my city, and we spent a day recording the ten songs that they had written. I’m not much of an audio engineer, BUT, I do have a college degree in theatre, so I acted like I knew what I was doing, ha . This entire time didn’t go as expected, and was quite a mess at most parts, but, again, the Lord is so good and so faithful. The recordings turned out wonderfully, and many CDs have been distributed. Also, booklets containing the lyrics to the songs are being made for use in house churches. I have some Mus.lim friends I am excited to give copies of the songs to. As a quick reminder, the songs were crafted from a Bible story set that has been specifically contextualized for Mus.lims. For example, they use “Allah” for God and “Isa” for Jesus. The MBBs worked to put the stories into a popular musical style called “Zikir” music, which is a very popular form of music amongst the Mus.lim community. Mus.lims will hear Truth in the form of familiar tunes they already know and love. Awesome.

Next up was the women’s conference. The women of the “A Team” planned a weekend retreat for national women who were in some way, shape, or form involved with our NGO. The theme was “Masterpiece: Created by God”, stemming from Psalm 139. Some examples of the sessions were studying Scripture (Psalm 139/1 Corinthians 12), learning about prayer, bracelet making, Zumba dancing (AKA the funniest thing…ever), playing games, discussing what the Word says about marriage/singleness/and mentoring, etc. I led a henna storying session, teaching the women a story from the Word, leading them in a discussion about the story, helping them learn the story by telling it to others, and ending with practicing the henna design for the story on each other.

The weekend was so much fun. National women never do anything like this. They don’t get to leave their husbands and children for a weekend to “hang out with the girls”. They don’t get to play silly games, be creative, or win prizes. They never get a chance to be goofy or dance around like a fool. The women were like giddy school girls, sneaking out of their rooms late at night in their pajamas begging us to teach them more dances. I am now a professional teacher of the “Macarena”, the “Hokey Pokey”, and the “Electric Slide”.

I pray the believers were encouraged and spurred on, and I pray that the unbelievers would be awakened to the Truth.

We ended the month with a very special treat. We traveled to Kaziranga to go on an “Elephant Safari”. I slept in a bed with fluffy pillows, had my first hot shower in over four months, ordered room service (for the first time in my life…and totally ate it up because it’ll probably be the last time I ever get to do that, haha), and watched…TV! Not to mention, waking up at 4AM in the morning and riding elephants! We spotted many of the “one-horned rhinos” which are indigenous to Assam. It.was.awesome.

I have four days left in this city. I’m not sure how that happened. I leave for Delhi on the 8^th for debrief, then I’ll be back in the States on the 13^th.

I’m learning to rest in the fact that before the beginning of time, the Lord ordained for me to be here for this specific time for His glory. I know that I don’t know and may never know the exact reason why He chose me…but, I know it wasn’t by accident. I’m learning not to measure “success” on my terms or human terms. I’m learning to trust Him and His wisdom every day, knowing that He is my Father and His plan for me is much better than anything I could dream up (why is that so hard??) I’m learning every day and I’m excited to discover along the way all the different things I have learned during my time here that I’m not yet aware of.

I’ve struggled with the thought of going home; mostly, because I am afraid. But, I cling to grace and His promises in the Word.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

            One year ago I graduated from college.  In the time since, I didn’t get a great job, make lots of money, and become wildly successful. I didn’t become a famous actress, or beautiful, or popular. I didn’t marry some handsome fellow or even get asked on a date. I’m not sure I did anything you’re supposed to do…but, I do know one thing. I know Jesus more than I did last year… and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

Thanks so much for reading/keeping up with me/praying for me over these few months. So thankful.

I will miss India every single day.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”

 

Blessings,

shara.

 

When I don’t understand Your perfect plan, I will trust in You my God.

The title of my Tumblr says it perfectly:

“Diary of a Wimpy Chick”

Yeah.

Still rings true.

I’m a wimp.

I thought that boarding a plane to travel across the globe was scary…but, my stomach twists and turns when I think about what’s going to happen in just a few weeks…that is, boarding a plane that is going to take me home.

In July, I headed across the world to experience the great unknown. In December, I will head back across the world to the greatest unknown to date…the rest of my life.

I would be dishonest if I said I was not afraid.

Should I be afraid? No. My Father in Heaven is sovereign. “[His] eyes saw my unformed substance; in [His] book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

He knows every step I will take. He knows every detail about every instance that will every happen to me.

Fear is unbelief.

The root cause of anxiety is inadequate faith in our Father’s future grace.

My faith is so small.

My journal is riddled with endless amounts of passages and verses about trusting in the Lord.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green; and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

 

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.” Psalm 56:3-4

I know everything will be fine; more than fine. As I have written so often before, God is my Father, and He will not allow anything to happen to me that is not ultimately for my good and for His glory. (Rom. 8:28-30) It may not be my idea of what’s best for me, but, that doesn’t make the statement above any less true.

As I was preparing to teach another story, the Lord graciously led me to a well-known story that will never lose its power.

“And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Matthew 14:28-33

I was brought to tears as I read.

Vs. 27- “Take HEART; IT IS I. Do NOT BE AFRAID.”

“It IS I”—Greek EGŌ EIMI, LIT. “I AM”. May RECALL Yahweh’s VOICE FROM THE BURNING BUSH (Ex. 3:14), WHICH WHEN SPOKEN NOW BY Jesus PROVIDES ASSURANCE TO THE DISCIPLES OF THE Lord’s PRESENCE IN THEIR MIDST AS Savior.” (Isa. 43:10-13)

I heard…

“Oh, Shara, how little is your faith. Why do you doubt? I’m not going to let you drown. Have I ever? When you go home it will be no different. Next year will be no different. Keep your eyes on Me, though the winds and the waves roar. Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness. Run from the deceitfulness of sin and run to the promises and truth of the One who made you. I love you. My hand is right here for you to hold onto. I’m not going to let you go. Have faith in me, my child. I won’t let you go.”

Oh, Father God, I desperately need You to help me trust You. I am selfish and wish to trust in my own wisdom, and not the infinite and sovereign wisdom of my King. Forgive me, Lord, my impatience and lack of trust in You. You aren’t going to let me go. You will be with me every step of the way. I have no idea where I will be a year from now…but You do. Help me to place my faith in future grace. Help me to know what it truly means to trust You with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. You will make my path straight. I resolve that You are good.

 

-Shara

To Break Every Chain.

The sound of our noisy, squeaking fan fills my ears as I roll over on my bed and reach for my cell phone to check the time. Early. Always. Even if it’s not, it is. I contemplate keeping my eyes shut for a few more minutes or so to try to enjoy that weird in-between- sleep –and-awake state. That usually doesn’t last long. I get up and trudge to the kitchen. Cereal and some white liquid substance South Asians call milk await me. I click the “on” switch for the water filter and wait for the light to turn green. It does, and I fill up a small pot with a broken handle. I turn the gas on, turn the knob on one of the stove tops, grab my handy dandy clicker thing, and voila, fire. I get a mug, sprinkle some Nescafe at the bottom, add a small amount of dry milk, two sugar cubes, and semi boiling water. Coffee. Yum. I don’t think it actually qualifies as coffee, but, I like it. I sit down on our couch and grab my Bible and journal. Next comes a (super quick) freezing shower. My clothing options for the day are few. I choose from one of my salwar suits. I grab my things, stuff them in my ripping backpack whose straps are currently safety pinned on (reminds me…I need to buy a new one…ha), grab my iPod, slip on my sandals, and head out the door.

It’s bright. The sun hurts my eyes, and I squint. It’s hot, but, not as hot as usual much to my glee. I walk out the gate, smile at our favorite street dog who my roommates and I have named “Diggory” (yeah, I don’t know why). He’s pretty rough looking and always looks like he just get attacked or hit by a car (which is most likely true), but, he loves to see us and wags his tail. As always, there’s a group of men across the street at the tiny chai hut. I keep my eyes to the ground as I head off down the street.

Good morning, India.

I think about how strange it is that my current surroundings have become normal to me; the people, the cows, the dogs, the trash, the noise, the buildings, the smells, the constant staring, etc. Yeah, all normal now.

The walk down my street is a long one. I stick my purple buds in my ears and click to a new favorite, “Break Every Chain” by Will Reagan and United Pursuit Band.

There is power in the Name of Jesus. There is power in the Name of Jesus. There is power in the Name of Jesus to break every chain, to break every chain, to break every chain.

                I walk passed dozens and dozens of people. I wave at one of my little friends who grins largely up at me as he yells “Byeeee!” I pass by what seems like millions of men who stop and stare as I walk, and I pass by women who do the same.

            There is power in the Name of Jesus. There is power in the Name of Jesus. There is power in the Name of Jesus to break every chain, to break every chain, to break every chain.

                Chains.

Endless amounts of chains.

Millions of people in this city.

In chains.

Invisible chains they cannot see.

 

I pray. My mind swarms. I begin to ask myself if I really do believe in the power of the Name of Jesus. Do I really believe that there is power in the Name of Jesus that can break every chain? That can break any chain? That can break every chain?

I speak the Name of Jesus over my enslaved street.

Do I really believe there is no one beyond His reach?  (Is. 59:1)

If I do…do I live like it?  Do you?

There is power in the Name of Jesus. There is power in the Name of Jesus. There is power in the Name of Jesus to break every chain, to break every chain, to break every chain.

“I believe! Help my unbelief! Mark 9:24

-Shara.

Hearing.

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.”

Psalm 119:9

 

The following is nothing new. It’s not an epiphany I’ve just had, or anything I conjured up—just age old truth that gets me through my days.

God is for me.

                All things that happen to me are for my good.  There is nothing that has ever happened to me, and nothing that will ever happen to me that has not ultimately been for my good and for His glory. Nothing. My Father in Heaven has known every hair on my head and every step I would take since before the beginning of time. Nothing catches Him off guard. Nothing surprises Him. There is nothing that is out of His control.

Most days I don’t know what I would do without that knowledge.

A week ago, I got water stuck in my ear after an, apparently, unfortunate morning shower. I was disheartened to discover that no matter the length of time I lay on my side pleading, it wasn’t coming out.

I decided I was going to try my very best not to complain about it. On this side of the world, problems like getting water stuck in your ear just seem rather petty. No one feels good, so you’re not to be singled out as anything special.

As the week progressed, the health of my ear regressed.

It’s funny the little things you take for granted back home, like the ability to run to Walmart or CVS and pick up whatever you need for whatever is ailing you. Something goes wrong here, and you feel, for lack of a better term, well, screwed.  I tried various supposed remedies, but, all ended in more pain and lessoned hearing. By Saturday morning, I could barely hear anything out my right ear. The pain, especially when sleeping, was excruciating, I started to become dizzy at points, and every morning I would wake up, frighteningly, with less hearing than the day before.

I had a few minor panic moments. I choked back (quickly and determinedly) tears once. I grew frustrated. I was frustrated nothing was working. I was frustrated it was getting worse. I was frustrated that I couldn’t hear anyone talking to me. I was frustrated that it made me think about myself constantly. I was frustrated I didn’t know how to bring it up without sounding like a complaining obnoxious brat.

Life is hard here…I was frustrated that on top of the difficult and the hard, I was unable to hear, and my roommates were plagued with lice.

But, my goodness, the Lord is so gracious to me. Instead of being weighed down by the frustrations that arose, He quickly and repeatedly brought me back to the truth mentioned above.

On the 23^rd, I wrote in my journal:

“…ALL things that happen to me are for my good. If I had not gotten water in my ear, that would not have been the best for me.”

I know getting water in my ear isn’t a huge deal. And the above statement would be both true and most likely much more meaningful if “water in my ear” was replaced with “cancer” or the death of a loved one.  But, even something seemingly so small, brought me to my knees in desperation and led me to the Cross where there is hope and grace.

I continued…:

“…You are for me. You are for me. You are for me. You are for me….And if God is for me, who can be against me?”

 

“For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole

earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless

toward him.” 2 Chronicles 16:9

 

“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” Psalm 23:6

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11

 

“I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me. I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul.” Jeremiah 32:40-41

“From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him.” Isaiah 64:4

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:32

God is GOOD. He will never cease to be good for in that moment, He would cease to be God.

No matter the circumstance. No matter how hard it may be. No matter how devastating. No matter how painful. God is working it for my good and for His glory. Always.

Praise Him.

“God is ruling the world. He is ruling history. And it is all for the good of his people and the glory of his name.”-Piper.

Last night, when I felt I could no longer endure the pain, all I could think of was the following verse:

“Rejoice ALWAYS, pray without ceasing, give thanks in ALL

circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

1 Thess 5:16-18.

I wrote in my journal:

It is God’s will that I rejoice always, and that I give thanks even in circumstance of pain and discomfort. For God is in control My Father in Heaven loves me.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love…” Jeremiah 31:3

 

So, yeah…life is good. I may never know why it was the best thing for me to be unable to hear for a week…but, maybe it was so I wouldn’t be so distracted by all the India noises…and take time to listen to the still small Voice…to meditate all week on the goodness of God…and to learn to rejoice always and pray without ceasing.

 

He is so gracious to keep working on me.

Yours truly,

Shara—A.K.A. Always a mess.

 

“Oh taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.”

Psalm 34:8