Blueberry Stained fingers.

The weather was deceiving last week. Glorious sunny weather with highs in the low 70’s. Crystal clear blue skies housed the perfect amount of sunshine to warm the skin as a soft breeze whirled past from time to time, blowing my curls into disarray. Lovely.

This week has been sweaters and peacoats. I’m not a huge fan of sweaters, but, they prove a necessary evil during these months in Birmingham. Scarves are wonderful things, but, since most buildings are burning up, you’re forced to make the decision between freezing outside but, being okay inside or being warm outside and having to carry around your coat, scarf, and mittens around once indoors. I usually go somewhere in between.

As I was quickly jotting down notes in Theatre History II, I noticed my blueberry stained fingers. I’ve been on a smoothie kick these past two week. However, it seems that the berries have no problem with dyeing my fingers after brief contact. Smoothies are in themselves deceiving things. You feel like you’re doing something healthy, but, I bet I’ve been downing a lot of calories and sugar every day. It’s all good in the hood.

The fact that it is only Wednesday blows my grey matter. The first week of school is always a long one and this one has lived up to that quite determinedly. Rehearsal has yet to get out past 8PM, and yet, every night feels like we’re nearing 2AM or so. Why this show is so mentally and physically draining, beats me. Nevertheless, I invite one and all to come see Blame it on the Movies next weekend. It’s a revue of songs from a bunch of movies that no one has heard of. I can probably guess that you’d recognize maybe ten songs.

I’ve been realizing random things about myself lately. Yesterday’s realization was that I strongly desire to be really great at something. I think that’s one of the reasons I’ve clung to theatre for so long. It’s the only thing people ever told me I was really good at. I have this ridiculous desire and want to be really really really good at something. I believe it’s both for selfish reasons, i.e. being able to say I’m a really awesome singer/actor/dancer. And, I also believe it plays into a lot of my insecurities, i.e. I want to have my “thing”, my “identity”, my “purpose”.  Under created illusions of knowing what I want to do with my life, I really have no clue. I’ve tried to find an identity in an earthly thing or being “really GREAT at something”. It’s so hard for me to find my identity and purpose in Christ. I admit that sometimes I feel utterly lost in Christ but, found in THINGS…things like acting. This can’t be.  It’s like a lot of my faith in Christ is in my head and not my heart.

My hands are blueberry stained.

My mind is knowledge stained.

My heart longs to be Christ stained.

~Shara

“What breaks the power of money over us is not just redoubled effort to follow the example of Christ. Rather, it is deepening your understanding of the salvation of Christ, what you have in him, and then living out the changes that that understanding makes in your heart — the seat of your mind, will, and emotions.” — Tim Keller

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