“If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude
that I was not made for here”
I’m finding it difficult to go to my classes lately. I feel like my professors offer what I don’t want. They’re instructing me on things I don’t care much about anymore. The people around me have goals I don’t share. They have stars in their eye I don’t ever want.
My voice teacher scolded me on my lack of enthusiasm towards auditions and not attending whichever ones I could. I told him that I was not going to pursue an acting career. He laughed. No, really, I’m not.
I’ve often wondered what I wanted out of life, and, to tell you the truth, I’m not completely sure, but, it’s not going to be found chasing after a theatre career.
My voice teacher told me, “Well, I just don’t want you to look back when you’re my age and wish that you’d gone for it.”
No, Dr. Richardson, if I were to go for it, I know that I would be looking back and regretting years of my life I spent trying to bring myself glory and praise, when I should have been living to glorify God.
Hear me out, I’m not saying that if you’re trying to become an actor, you’re not glorifying God. (and this is all geared towards self-proclaiming believing professing Christians) All I’m saying is if you don’t feel like God has specifically called you to that field in order to make His name known and not yours (and don’t kid yourself if that’s not really true), you’re doing it for selfish reasons and it’s wrong. It’s wrong and it’s meaningless.
As of this point in my life, I don’t feel called in that direction. Personally, I don’t think I could do it. I am far too prideful and it would quickly become all about me. My self esteem struggles have led me to try to find identity in theatre as the “one thing I was REALLY good at”. It was all about me. Making me feel better about myself. Making me feel like I was talented and worthy and exceptional.
I don’t want my life to be about me. I want to learn how to love God so much that my life couldn’t possibly be about anyone BUT Him. I don’t want to look back on my life and see, like I do now, years of my life spent for me.
what a waste.
It’s all about Him. Proclaiming His name. Loving Him. Loving His people. I don’t know how I’m going to do that. I don’t know if I’ll use theatre in some way. But, I’m trading in my Broadway stars for Christ. We were meant for so much more than self-centered, safe bubble, “Christian”, non-radical, American dream, lukewarm, selfish selfish selfish lives.
So much more.