Torn up.

I can officially say that I have never felt like this in my entire life. I feel like the epitome of all that is…a mess.

God is tearing me apart and breaking me in ways I have never experienced.

This is both awesome and absolutely terrifying.

My laptop keys are wet from my tears, but, I’m brushing them aside and pressing on.

Literally, and I mean, literally, everything that I ever wanted, or thought I wanted, in my life…I don’t want anymore.

That might sound trivial to you, but, just imagine with me feeling like you knew what you wanted to do with your life, you knew what your passions were, you knew what you loved, you knew what made sense and what everyone told you you should do…

then imagine all of those feelings literally vanishing. Gone.

Then maybe you can emphathize with me.

The loss of interests towards everything I was gungho about literally months ago is so extreme I find myself staring blankly into space in classes and longing to get home to study my Bible, to listen to sermons, to pray, to read books written by Godly people.

I’ve never experience this. I’ve feigned enthusiasm towards reading my Bible. Or felt it more like a duty, or would feel guilty if I didn’t. I’d feel guilty for putting God on the backburner, but, not much would change. (ps. it shouldn’t be a duty. It should be because we desire to know more about a God who loves us)

I’m about to make a decision that my classmates and professors aren’t going to understand. I’ll be asked, “What?!? WHY!?!” more times than I care to respond to. This decision would not even have crossed my mind a couple months ago. Something I held so high on my list, now can’t even make it on it.

I can’t say that I’m handling all these feelings like I should. Maybe I’m not, but, I’m trying to respond accordingly towards what I feel God is telling me to do. I think this might be the first time in my life. I wonder how many times I felt God was calling me to do something and he wasn’t…I was.

but, dude, I’m torn up. Faith is hard. I feel like I’m quickly losing all control of my life. I feel like I’m actually giving up the reins. And, to be honest, it’s really freaking me out. I’m scared. The feelings are overwhelming, but, I’m so thankful for them.

I prayed to God telling Him that I want to be His blank check. “Do whatever you want with me, Lord!”

Whoa. I didn’t know He’d take that literally.


And I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the one who gave it all. I’ll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrender all I am is yours.




One thought on “Torn up.

  1. This is really awesome. I have to stop and say it. I mean, not that you had to feel the pain of the process, but that despite that you took the convictions, then those steps then put it into words and deeds.
    I began pursuing theatre as a Junior in high school, going on 10 years ago. It is one of the strongest passions He has given me. But have I been pursuing God? :/ I have been with Him, He with me, but I’m certain I take it for granted.
    From five years ago your words challenge me. God is challenging me. You two make a good team.

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