I suffer from a bad case of overanalyzer-itis. I overanalyze everything. Is there a cure for that?
I’m trying really hard not to second guess all my current decisions. I’m trying to go with my gut, but, when you overanalyze your gut, this gets tricky.
Like I’ve mentioned before (i think?), it has recently been revealed to me of how prideful I am. I am so prideful and I have always thought of myself as so humble. Ridiculous.
I’ve also discovered in myself a strong desire for affirmation. A desire that is crippling. I want so badly to be told I’m “___ enough” in order to find worth and meaning. I’ve been trying to obtain these feelings from things like theatre and trying to “fix” my face with countless beauty products, and in various other aspects of my life. One example is this past summer when I struggled a lot with my self-esteem demons resurfacing. It was a really tough summer for me and in the end, I didn’t ever really connect with most of the people I served with. To this day, I struggle with feelings of having been inadequate for the team, feelings of “not being good enough, funny enough, pretty enough, cool enough”, etc. This is ridiculous. But, it’s because of this idol in my life of constantly wanting to be “okay” to everyone. The pride in me wants to be liked and “affirmed” by everyone I come in contact with. If I feel like I’ve failed in some way, I beat myself up horribly. I tell myself the lies Satan loves like, “Shara, it’s your fault no one likes you. You’re boring and ugly and mean and stupid.”
Something that I’ve learned from reading is that you can’t simply remove your idols. You have to replace them.
My goal I’m working toward is replacing my idols with Christ. In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light. My strength. My song. My cornerstone. My solidground. Firm the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love! What depths of peace! When fears are stilled when strivings cease. My comforter, my all in all, here in the love of Christ, I stand.
This will take a lifetime. We will never reach that perfection and glory until we are made like Him. But, I will make it my goal every day to press on towards that goal.
May my pride fall and Christ arise.
May I count myself as nothing, nothing.
May I count Him as everything, everything.