I handed my debit card to the cashier. He ran it through then stared at the back of it. After a pause he said, “That’s an interesting thing to write on your debit card.”
I smiled. “It reminds me that it’s all really His anyway.”
He smiled back and said, “That’s very cool.”
On the back of my debit card, I sharpied “Jesus“.
Now this might seem a bit odd or eccentric, but, I wanted to remind myself every time I look at “my money”…that’s it’s really…not. It’s so easy for me to forget that everything I have, everything I’ve been given, everything I’ve “worked for”, is not mine at all. It’s God’s. He gave and he can take away whenever he wants to.
This notion that my things are mine is dangerous because those things start becoming really important to me. I start valuing them much more highly than I should.
“You can tell where a person’s heart is by looking at their bank account activity.” I’ve heard said.
I question where my heart is.
If we really lived like nothing we owned was ours, wouldn’t we be more apt to give it away? To live giving generously without hindrance or second thought?
I’m on a quest to count it all as loss. It’s a daily thing for me. I am sickened by my slant towards holding onto the things of this world. I want to live truly genuinely believing that it is all rubbish. That it means absolutely nothing in comparison to knowing Christ and to living for Christ.
I want to be a good steward of what the Lord has given me and not give him the excess, what’s left over after I’ve spent myself on all my idols.
I want to come to the end of myself and live solely dependent upon God.
In this I have always been envious of poverty stricken believers around the world. I feel as though they have a faith that I don’t have. It’s so easy for me to fall into, “It’s okay, God, I’ve got this. Don’t need you.” because, well, my life has never really been that hard. I want to know what that’s like to have a faith that truly depends and trusts with the knowledge that God will provide.
I’d like to get out of my way. I am such an idol in my own life. I’m so selfish and so prideful.
I don’t want the world. But, a part of me does. Trying to die to that.
I have discovered that I am not afraid of going and doing whatever God wants me to do…even if it means leaving my life as I know it behind… because I know that what he wants is what is best for me and how I long to glorify him. But, what I’m afraid of is that I’ll never know. I’ve told God this…I have this fear that I’ll seek and I’ll ask, but, I’ll never really know and I might make it up. Is that a weird fear?
Oh, what a piece of work I am. Thankful for God’s grace and mercy.
Trying to live in response to that.