Little Shara wanted to be a famous ice skater. I also dreamt of becoming a teacher…one of the crazy ones who dressed up in a manner pertaining to whatever the subject was and who played games and taught “dramatically”. Of course there was the famous singer phase. I began a “girl’s group”. We wrote tons of songs about Jesus and accepting yourself for who you are and…Jesus…and had two cassettes filled back to back with music…by age 10. I wanted to be a novelist. I wrote books…a few of which my mom had “published” (My friend’s dad had them “bound” at his work). I always had a million stories in my head with tons of characters and endless plot twists. Then there was the actress phase that has lasted up until these past few months. Although going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to pursue the stage seriously or not a few times, I had settled on pursuing a theatre career…(until God completely ruined all those plans and rocked my world earlier this year)
I don’t know what I want to be anymore. It probably sounds cliché, but, I honestly just want to be like Jesus. I’m not. But, I want to be. It’s hard because, as a senior, I get asked all the time what my plans are for post college life. I shrug and honestly respond with, “I don’t know!”, but, what’s strange is that it doesn’t bother me. I’m not worried or scared. I know that everything will be okay. God will open some door. My life will be completely different 365 days from now. Who knows who I’ll meet by then or where I’ll be. All I know is that I want to be eagerly seeking God along the way, and hopefully I’ll be where HE wants me to be and doing what HE wants me to do. That’s what’s best anyway. I don’t doubt that.
This weekend has been our Spring musical production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. It’s been a blast, but, I definitely feel the sense of detachment. I know that being on that stage doesn’t do for me what it does for the others. I don’t want it anymore.
My professors have tried to talk me out of my decision. Our glorious costumer stopped me in the hall as I was leaving one day and said, “Shara, after watching you last night, all I could think of was how sad I am that you’re walking away from all this.” I smiled, thanked her, and replied, “I just…don’t want it anymore.” She said, “I know, and I respect that, but, it’s a shame.”
A shame. Hmm…I don’t feel like it is. I think it’d be a shame if I kept chasing after affirmation and significance in something other than Christ. I think it’d be a shame if I spent years of my life trying to make me famous and not Jesus famous. I think it’d be a shame if I kept letting my prideful selfish self win. But, all that’s another story…
In December I’ll get the “cut off”. The moment when I lose my parents’ insurance and I have to get a real job and start paying back college loans. That moment when money becomes a bigger deal…the cut off.
For some reason, I’m okay with this.
It’s strange because I used to dream about getting married one day and living the dream in a white picketed fenced cottage with my four children and dog. My friends and I used to joke around about marrying rich men and having lots of nice things.
But…I don’t really want any of those things anymore. I mean, yes, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t desire to get married one day (trying not to let that become an idol in my life…or remain one…see previous blog “Love and Golden Calves”), and I do desire to have children and adopt children…but, I don’t need money and nice things to go along with it.
Someone told me one night when we I was younger, after I had said I didn’t have a date to homecoming, that it was because I was boring…the way I dressed was boring, the way I acted…how ridiculous I was for not dating “for fun” and having “high standards”…he/she went on and on about how ridiculous I was for only wanting to date Christians, etc…it went on for awhile until eventually he/she looked me in the eye and said, “Shara, who would ever want you?”
This someone was shocked when I said I didn’t care about a guy’s job or his income.
This someone loves all things that are the world.
The world tells you you must be wealthy and successful and beautiful. You must go to college and get a really great job and make lots of money. You must wear the most stylish clothes and weight X amount of pounds. You must get married OR be super rich and a successful career person. You must have adorable smart kids who can read when they’re infants. You must go on lavish vacations. You MUST have a LOT of money. This is success. This is worth. This is the dream.
Is it weird that I don’t want that at all? Like I actually pray that my life never looks like that. I mean, if God chooses to bless me financially, then I pray with all my heart that I give it all away and live simply.
I walked around the mall with my sister and mother today. I halfheartedly perused the endless aisles of clothing and shoes and jewelry…glancing around at all the people with their endless bags and receipts. I felt drab in my tshirt and jeans as I looked at the glitzy girls around me.
It bothered me as I watched some “reality” show on TV that my sister introduced me to. It was following these girls’ lives and all they cared about was dating filthy rich men, their clothes, hair, nails, and partying every night. I just don’t get it. Is that actually fun? Is that what life is all about? Why was I sitting here wasting mine watching theirs?
Not that there’s anything wrong with shopping or whatever but, man…there’s so much more to life than money and things. Things.
We’re so content with things.
I want to be so discontent with things.
I want to be solely content with God.
There are so many people in the world who have nothing. I have so many things.
Ah, this blog is super discombobulated. It’s late. This was just on my mind…as well as a sermon I listened to today, but, that’s for another time.
hmm…my life is confusing, but, I’m trying to figure it out. I want to be like Jesus when I graduate (and right now)…that is all. He needs to be famous, most definitely not me. Also, materialism has been bugging me a lot as of late. I’ve been praying to not want the world and to learn how to live in total radical abandonment to Jesus Christ. I’m not weened off the world, but, by God’s grace I’m not wanting it so much anymore. God can truly change a sinner’s heart. So thankful for his grace. Wow.
I think that’s all.