This seems to have been a theme as of late, but, it’s so heavy on my heart that , my apologies, but I simply have to continue to write about it.
Okay, as you can probably guess if you read or glance over my blogs, I love to write about my endless flaws, hangups, and issues. There are just so many! I feel like every day I realize more and more the incredibly screwed up individual I am. Praise God for His mercy I do not deserve.
My current struggle is contentment with God’s plans.
I recently lost something that I thought was going to be a really great thing for me. It was awesome and it was happening…and then it ended. I have no problem with this other than the fact that I’m selfish as all get out. I have a daily conversation…okay, conversationS…with God discussing my frustrations with the whole deal. I’m pleading for His patience and mercy and forgiveness in the whole situation because my attitude is sub par. I’m like a child screaming in line at Walmart because she didn’t get the toy or candy she wanted. I’m horribly obnoxious, I know, but, I’m struggling with this. I’m struggling because I have tunnel vision and God sees the whole picture. I’m struggling because I want what I think I need even though God knows exactly what I need. I’m struggling because I think my life is unfair even though I am incredibly blessed beyond measure which, indeed, makes my life unfair but, because I don’t deserve it not because I think I deserve more. I am struggling because even though I say I trust God and want what God wants for me, part of me does not and wants what Shara wants for Shara.
See? I am incredibly screwed up.
I repent of all this. But, honestly, it’s what I’m walking through right now.
In addition to the above, I am struggling with being content with where I am. I am horribly discontent with school. “I don’t want to be here” does not by any means describe my feelings towards attending classes. I’m done for the summer and have one more semester in the Fall before I get a diploma placed in my hands. However, the thought of the Fall makes me cringe.
I need to stop.
No, I don’t want to be here, but, God has placed me in college for another semester for one purpose and one purpose alone…His glory. I need to get over myself and bring Him glory at school and everywhere I go.
Another thing is that I’m horribly discontent with being in America right now. I want to be overseas. I want to be in another country serving and advancing the Kingdom. If I could go tomorrow, I would.
But, this goes along with what I said above…I cannot sit around waiting to “advance the Kingdom” until I get to Africa or Asia or Europe because, well, I might never get to go. I’m not promised tomorrow so, who knows if I’ll ever get to go anywhere. I can’t use the excuse of, “Oh, well, I’ll be a missionary when I get to Africa!” when there are spiritually dead people all around me right here in America. It is God’s will that I am right where I am right at this moment. Nothing happens without His orchestration. He is sovereign and He is worthy of all the honor and praise. Yes, I desire to spread His glory throughout the nations, but, America is a nation. And America is dying just like Africa is.
I would also like to ask for prayer in regards to a very big upcoming decision. I’ll find out tomorrow whether or not I am accepted for the January 2011 World Race. I wasn’t intending to go on the January route, but rather the June or July route of next year. However, the other day, I was just looking over the January route and my heart just felt drawn to it. It’s not going to Kenya or Uganda which were two countries I really wanted to go to in order to possibly see good friends and meet my Compassion (http://www.compassion.com ) child. However, a lot of the countries are countries that I would consider pretty unreached. Not in the sense that there are no Christians there, but, in the sense that the majority of the country is Muslim in a serious way. I don’t know, I just felt a tug in this route’s direction, so, I prayed and filled out an application and interviewed with a super sweet girl. We had a lot in common and it was awesome talking to her and getting to share my heart and hear some of her story as well. She left the conversation with saying, “Just to let you know…I’m putting down on here that they should definitely accept you.” But, we’ll see. Anyway, I would just like to ask for prayer in the whole situation because my parents aren’t too keen on me leaving in January. They want me to wait awhile before I go. My mom also suspects that I’m “running away” because I’m upset and just want to “get out of here”. I asked myself that, but, I don’t feel like that’s true. However, now I’ve been questioning my motives and I think I’m beginning to question myself.
It’s a lot of money to raise, but, I think so often we “baby” God and try to make it “easy” for Him to “come through” for us. If God wants me out there on that race, I’ll be there. He’ll provide.
I don’t know. Life is confusing, but, God is still good. He will always be good. I fasted yesterday with my church. It made me realize how obscenely often I think about and depend upon food. May I feast on Christ and God’s Word. How desperately I need Him more than any meal.
Have mercy on me, O God. I am a woman of unclean lips. I am a woman who continually falls short of Your glory. How desperately I need You. Help me. Help me.