“…and [I] left [my] God to play the whore.”

Whoredom.

It’s something I’ve grown accustomed to.

My radical readings have brought me to “The Prophets”.  These books are heart breaking to me. It’s strange, but, I feel pained when I read them…pain reminiscent of what I felt reading the book of Judges. It’s this pain that comes from catching a tiny miniscule picture God’s greatness, His might, His wrath, and His mercy. It’s this pain that comes from seeing a minute picture of God’s majesty, and finally, again catching small glimpses, of the depravity of humans.

My favorite thus far has been the book of Hosea.

Hosea depicts Israel’s unfaithfulness to the Lord.

“Yet Israel’s unfaithfulness and obstinacy are not enough to exhaust God’s redeeming love that outstrips the human capacity to comprehend.”- ESV study notes.

Outstrips the human capacity to comprehend…

I’m feeling that right now. I don’t understand God’s mercy and His grace and His love. I don’t get it. I know I sound like a broken record, but, I don’t. I don’t understand why He loves me.

Hosea uses marriage and unfaithfulness as a prominent metaphor for the marriage of the Lord and Israel. “Just like Hosea’s marriage, they are the tragedies of marriages that began well but went bad.”

Israel plays the whore. In Hosea, the term is used generally as a married woman who is unfaithful to her husband.

I see myself all over these pages.

Tonight I stood by my chair, in a fairly empty, hot balcony as the worship leader for the week led us in “The Stand”. I stood and I sang,

“I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned

in awe of the one who gave it all.

I’ll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrendered

all I am is yours.”

But, is it? Is it really?

Am I totally abandoned?

Or am I clinging on to something?

The world?

Beauty?

fame?

a boyfriend?

affirmation?

greatness?

to be desired?

friends?

family?

fear of man?

I don’t want the world, but, part of me does. Being a Christian doesn’t rid you of sin…which grows frustrating when you just want to be like Christ.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite, but, I often fail at that.

I don’t want to be all words, but, where are my actions?

I don’t want to be fake, but, what are my motives?

I want to be faithful, but, I’m a whore.

Sometimes I chase after beauty. Somewhere along the road, I looked in the mirror and decided I didn’t look like the pretty girls at school or the ones on TV or in the magazines…But, I wanted to. I wanted it so badly that I hated what I looked like. I became disgusted by my appearance and saddened by self-induced shortcomings. I searched online for plastic surgeons to “fix me”. I was busy putting together my idol of self. Carving my golden calf. Polishing it.

My idol of self gets more finishing touches placed on it by my intense struggle with the fear of man. I add adornment and jewels to my idol with my obsession with greatness and desperate need for affirmation.

Along the way I picked up more idols such as selfishness and laziness, contentment with mediocrity in my faith, self-righteousness, and the lovely avoidance ethic.

I could go on.

“…and went after her lovers and forgot me, declares the Lord.”-Hosea 2:13

How often I go after my lovers and I forget my God.

“For a spirit of whoredom has led them astray, and they have left their God to play the whore.”- Hosea 4:12

“And now they sin more and more and make for themselves metal images, idols skillfully made of their  silver, all of them the work of craftsmen.” 13:2

Worship of creation rather than Creator. (Romans 1:18-32)

Sometimes I think I love God with my head and I love myself with my heart. I don’t want this to be true, but, I feel so often I get so caught up in myself…that I’m NOT seeking God with all my heart. That my heart is not in total awe and in total abandonment to my Creator and Lord. That I am not as madly in love with Him as I want to be or claim to be.

Are my words empty?

“They utter mere words; with empty oaths they make covenants.”-10:4

“For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.”-6:6

How many times my songs of praise must have been mere uttered words that God has despised. Despised. Oh, heart, why do you crave what does not matter? Why are you fixated on what your flesh wants? Why don’t you want the only One who can truly satisfy you?

I cry as I read chapter 11.

When Israel was a child, I loved him,

and out of Egypt I called my son.

The more they were called, the more they went away;

they kept sacrificing to the Baals

and burning offerings to idols.

Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk;

I took them up by their arms,

 but they did not know that I healed them.

I led them with cords of kindness,

with the bands of love,

and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws,

and I bent down to them and fed them.

…my people are bent on turning away from me.”

 

My gosh. I picture my dad holding me, picking me up and teaching me to walk. I picture my dad feeding me and taking care of me and loving me. God, the perfect father, loving and caring for His children as they grow…then they reject Him for petty things. They leave Him for worldly pleasures and golden calves.

GOD, the King of the UNIVERSE. The Creator of the stars and the sun and the moon and the earth and the planets and the galaxies and human life….we left HIM. We rejected HIM.

And what is His response?

“How can I give you up, O Ephraim?

How can I hand you over, O Israel?

How can I make you like Admah?

How can I treat you like Zeboiim?

My heart recoils within me;

my compassion grows warm and tender.

I will not execute my burning anger;

I will not again destroy Ephraim;

for I am God and not a man,

the Holy One in your midst,

and I will not come in wrath.”

 

Blows my mind.

In the same way the Lord extended mercy to Israel, He has extended it to you and me through Christ.

“But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it–the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith…” Rom 3:21-25

For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous [Jesus] for the unrighteous [me], that he might bring us to God

Through Christ…we get God—the greatest and only true satisfier of our souls.

Holy Spirit empower me to die to myself and die to my idols.

And praise God that His mercies are new every morning.

My blogs have been few and far between this summer, but, the message I try to convey is still strong. I’m hopelessly ridiculously insanely flawed…but, I have a flawless redeemer who, for some reason, loves me and wants to use a whore like me to bring Him glory.

Praying through stuff. Trying to degunk my life. Seeking after the attitude of Christ Jesus. My attitude is sub par, but, the same power that conquered the grave lives in me. (crazyyy)

God forgive me. I desperately need You. Help me. Destroy the idols in my life. Rid me of myself.

I need you.

Love Always,

Shara

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2 thoughts on ““…and [I] left [my] God to play the whore.”

  1. so…i suscribed to your blog. im sorry. i am being honest when i say i suscribed not to be a creeper, but because God says amazing stuff through you. i am currently laying on an uncomfortable bed at a placed called “camp butman” yeah i laughed. im a mature 22almost year old. its for jr high camp (im just doin what paul says…all things to all people immature to the immature)

    anyways..i wrote a rap a LONG time ago that started like this:
    i dont know how to say this right…
    so ill say it like.–youve loved me uncotnidionally while i was bein hoseas wife.

    true story 24 hours ago i retyped that in my facebook status because i am currently being wrecked by jeremiah which reminded me of my whoredom (good word)

    in fact when i have to pick 3 people i relate to most i say gomer, jonah, and paul.

    moving on…

    i have to confess i havent read all of this particular blog fully– ive read about 45% of it. im currently on my phone (the title made me hope youd be talkin bout hosea– you didnt fail me)

    so i decided id share too:

    its insane how God desperately loves us….i try to place myself in hoseas shoes…and thus Gods…

    i am quite certain i could not continue to get my “wife “back who ran away to go back to the brothel…and pay to recuse her…again.

    and i realize…im that whore…and how heart breaking that is for me…only to go whore myself again days later.

    the youth minister im interning for took louie’s (gigligo) 20 question thing…

    and my answer for what quailty do you llike most about God amazing love for me…ut breaks me all the time.

    ps

    the stand is my jam.

    been so for about the past 4 months tied with came to my rescue.

    pps

    had a chance to listen to the glorious unseen or gungor yet?

    well bed time for me…i will keep praying for you.

    thank you for allowing God to use you…its hittin me.

    Be blessed! (ill respond on topic when i get back to a computer)

  2. (i never wanted my name down so i wouldnt be like i was trying to holler at you but i decided that was probably even more weird.)

    i also kinda decided not to post since i apparently typed a book through my phones browser (huge comment my bad) so i will keep this short.

    God’s love is amazing. im still reading Jeremiah– and im just continually getting rocked by it.

    The more i understand God’s love, the more apparent it is to me that i don’t deserve. How lacking i am in every positive quality and how abundant i am with the negatives…yet He still loves me. Deeply.

    well once again, thanks.
    sorry if i have creeped you out, never been my intention.

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