I fear my blogs are incredibly repetitive.
I apologize for such. I write when I feel I must. There’s a certain uneasiness that doesn’t go away until I write out certain random thoughts. I think many random thoughts, but, only certain ones give me urges to write. So, I write them. My apologies if they are repetitive.
I don’t trust God.
I don’t need Him.
Let me explain this in more detail before you cry out “Blasphemy!”
I have never known what it is like to “need”. My family has never had a lot of money, but, I have never “wanted” for anything. I have never woken up in the morning and wondered if I would eat that day. If my clothes tore, or my shoes became too worn, I have always been able to go to the store and get some new ones. I have never had to worry about whether or not I’d have water to drink or plenty of it to wash my hair and body with daily. I have always had a room with a bed to sleep on. Through my parents, I’ve always had access to doctors and dentists. My teeth have been regularly cleaned every six months for as long as I can remember. If I ever felt ill, I had access to medicine. When I got my driver’s license, I was handed keys to a car. My parents have broken the bank, but, have afforded me with a college education with minimal loans.
I don’t need anything. I never have.
I have multiple daily conversations with God confessing and declaring to Him how much I need Him.
But do I?
Do I live in such a way that I’m totally dependent on God for everything?
I say, “I need You, Lord!” but, I so often live like, “It’s okay, God. Don’t worry, I’ve got this one.”
The God of the Universe who sustains my every breath…I don’t need. “I’ve got it.”
That’s exactly what you say every time you sin. “It’s okay, God. I know what I’m doing. I know better than You.”
I don’t want to live this way. I’m tired of being independent. I want to be dependent upon God for every aspect of my life. I want to lay down my crowns and my pride at the foot of the Cross.
I don’t want to do life on my own. I need God more than anything.
But, I don’t know how to need Him.
It’s funny how as I type, my mind will change or answers to my questions will suddenly come to me. I think my blogs are prayers, and are often the good kind where I’m not just spitting out my wants and desires but actually conversing and listening for God.
All that to say that while I was writing the sentence, “I don’t know how to need Him”, I heard, “You don’t put yourself in situations where you need Him”
I have a distinct fear of man that I’ve blogged about. I fear man. I don’t fear God. I play it safe. I don’t offend. I don’t take steps out in faith. I like my safe bubble where I “need Him” but, don’t really need Him.
But, I think it’s more than that. There’s a constant dependence upon God that I believe I lack. That which I crave.
Jesus’ ministry and life was empowered by the Holy Spirit.
“Whoever receives his testimony sets his seal to this, that God is true. For he whom God has sent utters the words of God, for he gives the Spirit without measure. The Father loves the Son and has given all things into his hand.” John 3:33-34
John is saying that the Father gives to Jesus the Spirit without measure. Jesus has a measureless annointing from the Spirit.
Jesus shows us what a life completely yielded to the Holy Spirit…a life lived under the fullness of the Holy Spirit; fully under the direction, power, and influence of the Holy Spirit…looks like.
I don’t think my life is completely yielded to the Holy Spirit. I give over parts of myself, but, I fear I hold parts back. I don’t know why. I long for chains to be broken. I want to be set free. I want t be free to live fully under the direction, power, and influence of the Holy Spirit in every aspect of my life.
I want to be consumed.
I want to be dependent upon the Spirit. For everything.
I can use the excuses that I wasn’t blessed with an awesome Spirit-filled youth group that I grew up in…that I never was blessed with mentors or strong Godly people who desired to pray for and pour into me. That I didn’t have a Spirit-led family who was an example and who taught me….
I can use a bunch of excuses as to why my life is lacking in Spirit-dependence, but, the truth is, I have the best mentor and the best example of a Spirit led life in Jesus Christ. A life, by the grace of God, and by the Spirit living in me, I’ll spend my life trying to be like.
I fail constantly. I say, “I need You!”, but, I don’t act like it.
But, I do.
I need You, Lord. I need you, Jesus. I need you, Holy Spirit.
Help this independent girl live a wholly dependent life.