Give me a beat.

 Searching for my heartbeat. I’m not sure where it is.

Did I lose it?
Did it run away?
Is it hiding?
I fear I’ve flatlined.
 
But, mostly, I fear it’s never truly beat.
 
There have been things along the road during 21 years + 5 months of life that have given feigned heartbeats. There are many things I like, even enjoy very much…but, something’s not quite there.
 
Passion.
 
I was asked by a friend what my passions are.
 
I couldn’t really answer the question. I like things. I love things. But, I feel there’s really nothing I’m passionate about.
 
You know, that one thing you discover one day…that thing that you know is what you were created for?  That thing that you love and brings the most glory to God?
 
 It’s that perfect collision of your pure joy and satisfaction and God’s Name being glorified and hallowed in a ringing chorus throughout the nations. It’s you living, breathing,…oozing what God designed you to do. It’s what’s sometimes really really hard. It’s what’s sometimes painful. It’s what has you overflowing with joy from the Lord.
 
you know.
 
your heartbeat.
 
I haven’t found mine.
 
I check for a  pulse sometimes, but, still nothing.
 
 
I want my life completely spent for God’s glory. I’m daily learning how to trust in God that is plan for me is good. That He has total authority over everything.  That He is sovereign. That He is good. I’m learning to depend on Him and not myself. I want to give Him my all. I want to withhold nothing from Him. He leads, I follow.
 
But, where, oh Lord?
 
What, oh, Lord?
 
Where is it?
 
Where is the beat?
 
 
I had a rough couple of weeks a little while ago doubting my decision to do the World Race. I came up with a million reasons why  I shouldn’t do it.
 
Then I realized that every single reason was based on fear. I am so afraid of so many things. Selfish selfish things.
 
Fear is not a legitimate excuse. I knew then that I must go.
 
I must do hard things if I ever want to change. If I ever want to grow into the woman God has created me to be, I must step out of my comfortable safe bubble. If I want to learn to trust and depend solely on God…then I must take bigger leaps of faith into His arms. He wants what’s best for me.  I must believe that.
 
I know I’ll return changed in some way shape or form. There’s no way I couldn’t. Who knows what will happen during those 11 months. But, perhaps somewhere along the path…I’ll see something. I’ll hear something. I’ll smell something. I’ll feel something…
 
 
…and my heart will start to beat.
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