The Ruined Life.

I asked God to ruin my life.

Ruin my plans I had made for my life.

Spend me however He chooses for His name’s sake.

God completely turned my world upside down at the beginning of the year, ruining my plans to pursue a theatre career. (You can read all those terribly confused blogs in the February/March pages)

God began to ruin my obscure and wrong idea of missions as He chiseled away the apathy and broke this heart for the nations.

God began to ruin everything. “I thought I knew but I had no idea” is a good summary for this year.

God began to ruin my perception of myself and revealed to me idols and whorish tendencies.

God’s a good ruin-er.

In fact, He’s done it again.

I have officially withdrawn from the August 2011 World Race.

God rocked my world and shook up my snow globe when a random (is anything really random? 😉 ) run-in with the college pastor at Brook Hills, a meeting with a mid-term Global pastor, discussions with friends, on my face prayer, fasting, a convicting Secret Church, and a few tears later…led to an e-mail and a phone call to the World Race withdrawing from my race.

Nuts. Just two weeks ago my life was completely different.

Don’t ask God to ruin your life because He will.

But, as I told my seventh grade girls this morning as we looked at Jesus calming the storm… our God is sovereign. He who created the UNIVERSE and holds the world in His hands, who calms the seas, and orchestrates the weather, and calls the stars by name, who knows every detail of every human on the planet, who is OMNIPOTENT and OMNISCIENT…<—-THAT God, the only true God, has a plan for me and I’m going to follow His lead wherever that may be.

The decision was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. This decision would change the course of my life entirely. Completely.

I graduate in December with a degree in Musical Theatre. I have no awesome normal person minor to back me up. I have a straight up degree in jazz hands.

I get the “cut off” as a graduation gift. This means no more help from the parents. They’re handing me the financial reins and the student loans college has blessed me with.

I am jobless. My lease goes up in March. I will be homeless and roommate-less.

My heart is on the mission field. My goal is to be  sent out on a midterm trip as soon as possible through my church. In order to do that, I have to become a member of my church (January) and go on a short-term mission trip through them (Summer?) .

It’s really difficult for me because all I want to do is go. I don’t want to have to worry about paying off loans before I can go. I’m frustrated that I feel helpless towards getting a decent job that will help me towards the goal of paying my loans off while feeding and housing myself until I can go. I don’t even have a real resume. My resume has musicals on it and my special skills are dialects and tap dancing.

I long for normalcy. I struggle with understanding why I couldn’t be like everyone else who became a nurse or a teacher. I freak out because I long to give of myself for a period of time (who knows how long? It’s up to God) to foreign missions but I feel I have nothing to offer. Businessmen can run businesses. Teachers can teach. Doctors and nurses can give medical assistance.

What do I do?

I’ve spent years of my life learning how to perform monologues and sing 16 bars worth of songs to “knock ’em dead”.

I know it is Satan’s lies that I’m useless. And I know that God can use anyone in obscure ways to bring about His glory being made known.

I know.

My faith is so small. I am so afraid. I am at peace with my decision but I am so afraid at times.

I’m praying for an exponential growth in faith because I feel mine is so small.

I know God works everything together for good for those who love Him.

I know that He’s in control. And I know He’s going to carry me through this and the rest of my days.

But, right now I know those things in my head. I’m trying to translate them to my heart.

God, I want to serve you, but, I don’t know how. I don’t know what that looks like in my life.  I’m standing here helpless before you, tears streaming down my face, begging you to take my hand and lead me. I’m pleading with you to help me find my way.  My life is so dark. Help me to hear your voice so I can walk in your direction into the light.


Adjusting to the ruined life,



3 thoughts on “The Ruined Life.

  1. You and I seem to be going through a lot of the same things… and it ain’t fun by any means… but know that I have your back in prayer 🙂
    You got this, kid! Keep that faith alive and pray I can do the same.

    (Your long-lost “Bonies” buddy)

  2. There is always beauty in the chaos.

    i was hoping that sounded wise, but im sure it’s cliched enough that i copied it from somewhere.

    Anyways, it’s understandable to fear the unknown, especially when it seems like the steps you took to prepare for the future seems kinda useless for the future that God wants you to go to.

    Don’t look at it like this.

    Judah Smith actually talks about it here:

    i think it will resonate with you. i would watchthe sermon again but im in the middle of an exegesis…if i remember correctly

    He uses selected verses from Mark 4-6; but talks about when Jesus walks on water back to the boat, and uses this as an analogy of being in the mean time…

    Where God has changed you form who you are, and you know you will be someone different later…but now you are just in the mean time

    So you are on a boat and not on safe ground…with storms are all around…waves thrashing about, though its scary the safest place to be is in the boat…which is where Jesus is at. Basically that the best thing you can do while waiting is just to stay in the boat while God is at work.

    Remember this: God has already used your gift and you have been on stage using your talent to ultimately give God glory to how many people? So who is to say God still want use those gifts even if the season in this education is over?

    Never let satan steal that away from you.

    i will be praying for you…:) Have a great night maam.

    may our Pops bless ya.

  3. The “title post.” Huh, I didn’t see that coming. Keep letting him reign in your life, keep letting his love shine… I’m sure you’ve grown and sown immeasurably for the Kingdom since this post. I wouldn’t put it past you to move mountains, if you are a fraction as passionate in deed as you are in word.

    I don’t know where you’re at in life as of now, I figure you don’t read ancient-post comments, but I think it’s awesome you pursued theatre. So did I, classical though, Shakespeare rather than Sondheim, despite my love of music. But I started with business. Awesome normal person degrees are for awesome normal people. No one who has ever loved performance can be normal…even the introverts-I’ve tried to deny it–nor is anyone following the Risen Lord. Own it, and give all you own to God; die to self, that we may live; build His Kingdom, and ours be ruined.

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