I asked God to ruin my life.
Ruin my plans I had made for my life.
Spend me however He chooses for His name’s sake.
God completely turned my world upside down at the beginning of the year, ruining my plans to pursue a theatre career. (You can read all those terribly confused blogs in the February/March pages)
God began to ruin my obscure and wrong idea of missions as He chiseled away the apathy and broke this heart for the nations.
God began to ruin everything. “I thought I knew but I had no idea” is a good summary for this year.
God began to ruin my perception of myself and revealed to me idols and whorish tendencies.
God’s a good ruin-er.
In fact, He’s done it again.
I have officially withdrawn from the August 2011 World Race.
God rocked my world and shook up my snow globe when a random (is anything really random? 😉 ) run-in with the college pastor at Brook Hills, a meeting with a mid-term Global pastor, discussions with friends, on my face prayer, fasting, a convicting Secret Church, and a few tears later…led to an e-mail and a phone call to the World Race withdrawing from my race.
Nuts. Just two weeks ago my life was completely different.
Don’t ask God to ruin your life because He will.
But, as I told my seventh grade girls this morning as we looked at Jesus calming the storm… our God is sovereign. He who created the UNIVERSE and holds the world in His hands, who calms the seas, and orchestrates the weather, and calls the stars by name, who knows every detail of every human on the planet, who is OMNIPOTENT and OMNISCIENT…<—-THAT God, the only true God, has a plan for me and I’m going to follow His lead wherever that may be.
The decision was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. This decision would change the course of my life entirely. Completely.
I graduate in December with a degree in Musical Theatre. I have no awesome normal person minor to back me up. I have a straight up degree in jazz hands.
I get the “cut off” as a graduation gift. This means no more help from the parents. They’re handing me the financial reins and the student loans college has blessed me with.
I am jobless. My lease goes up in March. I will be homeless and roommate-less.
My heart is on the mission field. My goal is to be sent out on a midterm trip as soon as possible through my church. In order to do that, I have to become a member of my church (January) and go on a short-term mission trip through them (Summer?) .
It’s really difficult for me because all I want to do is go. I don’t want to have to worry about paying off loans before I can go. I’m frustrated that I feel helpless towards getting a decent job that will help me towards the goal of paying my loans off while feeding and housing myself until I can go. I don’t even have a real resume. My resume has musicals on it and my special skills are dialects and tap dancing.
I long for normalcy. I struggle with understanding why I couldn’t be like everyone else who became a nurse or a teacher. I freak out because I long to give of myself for a period of time (who knows how long? It’s up to God) to foreign missions but I feel I have nothing to offer. Businessmen can run businesses. Teachers can teach. Doctors and nurses can give medical assistance.
What do I do?
I’ve spent years of my life learning how to perform monologues and sing 16 bars worth of songs to “knock ’em dead”.
I know it is Satan’s lies that I’m useless. And I know that God can use anyone in obscure ways to bring about His glory being made known.
My faith is so small. I am so afraid. I am at peace with my decision but I am so afraid at times.
I’m praying for an exponential growth in faith because I feel mine is so small.
I know God works everything together for good for those who love Him.
I know that He’s in control. And I know He’s going to carry me through this and the rest of my days.
But, right now I know those things in my head. I’m trying to translate them to my heart.
God, I want to serve you, but, I don’t know how. I don’t know what that looks like in my life. I’m standing here helpless before you, tears streaming down my face, begging you to take my hand and lead me. I’m pleading with you to help me find my way. My life is so dark. Help me to hear your voice so I can walk in your direction into the light.
Adjusting to the ruined life,