I play a dangerous game.
For someone who acts like 45 year-old mom when it comes to “dangerous activities”, I sure have no problem in playing this life-threatening game…
I play the game of comparison.
Last night I laid there in my bed and began talking out loud to God, as is my custom. Sometimes it’s more heavy on praise and adoration or thankfulness…other times it’s frustrations or hurts and pains….other times it’s more petition.
Last night all that came out was confession. It was as if I had swallowed something rancid and was regurgitating it uncontrollably.
I more than often compare myself to other believers and feel guilt-laden or incredibly inadequate.
I feel as though, “I”ll never be as ____ as you.”
Gosh, I’ll never know and understand the Word like that person.
Why can’t I find ways to share the Gospel all the time like that person?
I wish I could teach the Bible like that person.
I wish ___ came easy to me like him.
I’ll never be you. But, I wish I was.
I read and I study and I listen and I think and sometimes all I feel is guilt or how I will never be “good enough”. I will never be Christ-like enough. I feel like I am insufficient. It’s always in those times that you feel like everyone else is “good enough”…so jealously finds it’s way into your or my heart…you feel more useless, unworthy, and less loved than the “other guy”…you wallow in this self-pity…and it becomes a dangerous game.
But it is exactly those feelings and those conclusions of inadequacy, and the knowledge that “NO, I am not and cannot ever be good enough” that make the Gospel more beautiful and more humbling and more vital than ever before.
If I could quote the entirety of Scripture, if I could teach it like an Edwards, if I understood it and wrote about it like a Piper or a Tozer, if I lived it like a Paul, if I knew it in Greek and in Hebrew, if I could apologetic-athize it like no other, if I could evangelize like the greatest, if I could share it with the most dangerous of people groups on the planet, if I could die a brutal death because of it…
I would not be “good enough”.
If I took all of that to God when I am judged and say, “Hey, look at all the great things I have done for you. Did I measure up? Am I good enough?”
The answer would be no.
God stepped in by His infinite mercy because we, I, can’t be ___ enough.
Only through Jesus and His sacrifice for my sin in my place, am I justified. Not by works so that I may not boast. But, freed by grace to do good works for His glory and for His great Name.
I asked God that when “Satan tempts me to despair, and tells me of the guilt within,” that
“Upward I [would] look, and see him there, Who made an end of all my sin.”
That I would fall down at the Cross of Jesus where I find grace and the freedom to now live for Him each day and to strive after holiness.
God designed me uniquely as I am for the purpose of bringing Him glory, which I am now free to do by the blood of Jesus.
No, I am not him. And I will never be her.
I can learn from, be encouraged by, and grow from the mentorship of Godly people the Lord blesses me with on my walk, but I am not them. And, I must stop the game of comparing myself to them.
Before the beginning of time God set me apart to bring Him glory in a way that no one else can. May I always be humbled by that grace, and compelled by it to serve Him and follow after Him all my days no matter what it may entail.
Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
Amazing. If I were God, I would have given up on me a long time ago.
May I fall down at the foot of the Cross where there is grace and mercy and hope, and might I not ever get up after a “fix” and attempt to do life on my own until I need some more help…but, may I fall face down at the foot of the Cross…and never leave.
Thankful for new mercies every morning.