I don’t have anything profound to say…not that I ever do…but, this blog isn’t even an attempt to be profound.
Sometimes when I’m driving around in my car, I turn down my music (which is always absurdly loud. I undoubtedly will have hearing problems when I’m old) and I just start speaking the Gospel out loud, telling myself the message of good news, starting from the beginning and filling in all the exciting details…I talk about Jesus and the attributes of God…
I’m probably partially insane since I talk to myself, but, I can’t help it.
I internalize everything. I’m innately shy (much to my chagrin), an introvert to the core, and have been given big ears and wide eyes that take in everything around me. I love to listen, but, I rarely know what to say in response. I struggle with vocalizing how I feel or what I think. I always have. My brain is always moving, and I’m always thinking and answering questions within myself, but getting them out is what’s the problem. Ever since I was little I loved to write. I write out life and all my thoughts, and I breathe a sigh of relief. “Alas, it’s out…no longer kept inside.”
I suppose I write and have car time talking to myself. I have this thing where I talk aloud to God…like a lot. I’m quite paradoxical in that I internalize so much, and yet, I have a hard time thinking to myself…I have to talk to myself.
Perhaps I just need more coffee dates with people.
I say all of this, not simply to make you feel better about your sanity, but, to write on a topic in which I prattled (sweet word, huh?) on about whilst in my car.
Amazing GRACE how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
I hope I never get over the Gospel. I hope it never ceases to wreck me and bring me to my knees.
I believe you need to tell it to yourself…and meditate on it often. Because it’s good. It never gets old.
Today as I drove around…it was so sweet to my ears.
I’m always floored when I get to the grace part. I always get choked up, and tears always happen.
You know, the part when God in His unfathomable mercy looks upon hopelessly lost sinners and sent Jesus who knew no sin to be sin for us so that we might become the righteousness of God. The part when we were created to have an unhindered perfect fellowship with GOD, when we had GOD, and when sin separated us from God, God made a way to bring us back to Him. The part where I didn’t do anything and cannot do anything to earn that reconciliation. The part where I offended an infinitely holy GOD, BUT He chose me before the foundation of the world to be His. The part where that is straight up unmerited undeserved mercy. The part where Jesus took the punishment due MY sin, and died for MY sin, and rose from the grave conquering sin, SO THAT by repenting of my sin, dying to my sin, running towards Him, I will get HIM one day.
The part where for no other reason than God’s GRACE, I was given a new heart that beats for Christ at a very young age. What? I mean, what is that? Why me?
I used to think my testimony was “lame”, but holy cow no it isn’t! I’m a walking talking miracle. I was dead and I came to life. You don’t see that every day.
What grace the Father has lavished upon me.
I treasure that grace. I’m astounded by that grace. I pray daily to be compelled by that grace.
But, I also struggle with that grace.
I asked myself if certain members of my immediate family were to die and never know that grace…be forever separated from Him…would I still be able to fall on my face and declare that God is GOOD and that His mercy endures forever…
How or why would God have mercy on me and open my eyes, but not my family’s? The selfish girl inside of me doesn’t find that fair.
“But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this? Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?”
“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”
I struggle with thinking man-centered thoughts. I trust and bask in the sovereignty of God, yet, it is hard to comprehend and makes me ache at times. How I long to be in control…if I could just “say that right thing”, then voila, he/she would follow Christ. However, it is the Spirit’s work within hearts, we are just the proclaimers of truth.
Paul quotes the OT in verse 15, but earlier in the chapter speaks of a desperation for the lost and an urgency to bring the Gospel to unbelievers.
“I am speaking the truth in Christ–I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit–that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers.”
I am a miracle. Death to life. I am a wretched disgusting sinner saved by grace and grace alone.
If God can save me, He surely can save my family and all others.
However, if that never comes to pass. My God is good.
I will pray for God to have mercy on those I love dearly until my dying day. I will pray for and rejoice in His miracles.
I will rest in His sovereignty.
And my heart will choose to say, “Lord, blessed be Your Name.”
May Your grace compel me to go and may your Spirit empower me to proclaim.