There is so much crap in me.
I would use a different four letter word if I didn’t hope to keep this blog PG. The latter word is much more appropriate.
There is so much that needs to be uprooted that lives and grows inside of me. I have some pretty sick deep roots.
I’ve been convicted of this ever so often over the past year, more frequently as of the past week, and culminating today by reading Matt Papa’s Blog. He words all of my current turmoil perfectly. Pretty sure my heart is bleeding from all the shots it just took. Reading his blog is much better than reading this…so, definitely check that out. Perhaps read it before reading mine.
I more than often use God as a means to an end.
I try to examine my heart, look intently into my core, to see if there be any “hidden motives” behind my actions.
I think this started coming to my attention when the Lord began breaking my heart for the Nations, and birthing in me the realization that the going is not an option. Every once and awhile, I’d ask myself, “Why do you want to go? Is it because you truly desire God’s glory being made known among the nations? or is there something in it for you that you desire more?” I’d pray to the Lord begging Him to destroy any desire that is self-driven and pride-driven.
Lately, it has become incredibly more prevalent, and I have become increasingly aware of my immense struggle with “hidden motives”.
Why do I do anything?
Am I using God as a means to an end? The means of me gaining something? The means of me getting something for myself? Or is GOD my end? Is God the ultimate goal of my heart?
I would say more than often, it’s the former.
I struggle with the whole Creator/Creation relationship. I am by nature a worshiper, and I am because of sin, a worshiper of creation over Creator. The creation in which I worship is myself. I am an idolater. You can read about some of that in “…and [I] left [my] God to play the whore.” I could write a whole blog on my idol of self I’ve so perfectly crafted for almost 22 years, my repulsive desire for greatness and affirmation, and my dislike for anyone or anything messing with my idol.
My struggle with debilitating “Self-esteem” issues because my idol wasn’t as “beautiful as it should be”. My craving for people to tell me I’m wonderful, talented, smart, etc. My desire to be liked, and oh how HARD it is if I know someone doesn’t like me. What? How can someone not like ME? My beautiful idol I’ve created? How I blame it on my “peace-maker personality” how I desire for everyone to be okay with me and like me. If I have wronged someone, yes, it is right and necessary to apologize…but if I have not, I struggle with not wanting to do SOMETHING to make it “okay!”, because my idol has been offended.
Lately, I’ve been looking at my life in the aspect of my ministry at church and in my life. Do I desire to be a Godly woman, holy, righteous, etc…because God is my end? Or because I am? Because I desire nothing but the Glory of GOD? Or because I desire nothing but the glory of Shara? Am I in it for the praise of people? (“Oh, Shara is such a Godly woman!”, “She just loves the Lord.” etc) Am I in it for a pat on the back by pastors and my small group and my Sunday school class?
Am I my goal? Or is God?
My heart aches. It literally aches right now. I cried out to God declaring that I don’t know how to live my life and do it all for the glory of God. That I don’t know how to eat, sleep, and drink to the glory of God. That I don’t know how to lead a small group or be in a small group with God as the ultimate goal and not me. I don’ t know how to spend six months this July-December in some other country as a missionary and for it to not be about me.
I don’t. I don’t want my life to be a bunch of words…meaningless words. I want my life to be actions that spring forth from a heart, from a core that deeply desire the glory of God and not my own.
God, help me to get to the end of myself!
Purge this crap out of me…this evil taken root in my heart.
Destroy these idols.
Be my end.