I’m currently in this weird, super-lame, self-induced pity party.
It’s strange because I’m well aware of my insanity in throwing this pity party, but, I can’t seem to make it stop. Like, I know I’m psychotic, but, I can’t stop being psychotic. Perhaps you know the feeling, but you may be much more sane than I. I only hope so.
I can point the finger at a few instigators of this party.
Like the fact that I’m in this horrible stage of my life, moving on 2 years post college, where I haven’t the slightest idea what to do with my life.
I don’t have a clue. People tell me that’s impossible. But, I promise you, it’s possible. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I honestly don’t even know what I love to do. People say that’s crazy and impossible. I beg to differ. There are things that I like. There are things that I want to like. There are a whole lot of things that I do not like.
But, what do I love? What are my passions?
My goodness, I haven’t the slightest idea.
And, as I racked my brain furiously the other night trying to pick some out, I began a mini panic attack inside because I was coming to the conclusion that I am completely and entirely passionless.
Is that possible?
Can someone be passionless???!
Then the party starts happening in the brain. The, “What? Of course God would make me without the slightest idea what to do with my craptastic life that is meaningless and everyone else is gifted and talented and loves all kinds of stuff and I hate everything and I’m bad at everything and I just want to lie and bed and eat food because, darnit, I am passionate about food” party.
Perhaps another instigator is loneliness.
I have a handful or two of acquaintances, but, my close friends have long since left Birmingham. I’ve never been great at making friends. Maybe I have a stench about me. Isn’t it weird how you can be surrounded by people and feel so alone?
Loneliness is never good because pity parties love loneliness. I go way inward, becoming extremely self-focused and self-obsessed, and have way too many lies swarming around in my head at any given moment.
I admit to feeling totally lost at this point in my life. I combat it daily with the Word and with prayer, but, I can’t seem to shake the habit.
I am repenting of the jealousy I feel towards others.
Asking God why.
Why couldn’t it be me who got her dream job after college?
Hey, why didn’t I get to meet the prince charming sophomore year and get married and have babies like every Southern Christian girl dreams of?
Why can’t I have a job that I love?
Why can’t I have gifts and talents that are obvious and that I get to use every day?
Why can’t You tell me what You want me to do?
I’m afraid of existing. Just existing. Not living. Not truly living for His glory. Just existing.
Just coasting through life, surviving on whatever job I can get, doing this, doing that…not really ever knowing what I want to do or what I’m supposed to do…just existing.
I haven’t the slightest idea what I want to do or be “when I grow up”. I’m pretty lousy at just about everything and I don’t know what I’m really passionate about.
But, this is what I do know:
1) God is sovereign.
2) God is good. Nothing has happened or will happen to me that is not ultimately for my good and for His glory.
3) I’m His child. He is my Father who loves me. He has most definitely not forgotten about me.
4) His plan is perfect.
5) His timing is perfect.
6) His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.
7) He is sanctifying me, growing me, and preparing me, even though I know not what for.
8) I am to be obedient each day, and trust that He will lead me. He will lead me.
9) My life will never look like other people’s lives because I’m not other people. And that’s okay.
10) I pray ultimately that Jesus will be my passion and from that passion will stream others.
So, yeah, I’m a complete and total disgusting hot mess right now. I am the queen of the pity party. I am thankful for mercy and beyond thankful for His patience and grace to put up with me.
Lord, how I need Thee every moment.
Jesus, thank you for dying for this mess. Thank you for loving me even though I could quite possibly be the most unlovable person on the planet. I’m sorry I’m prone to throw pity parties because I’m so quick to forget all that You have done and continue to do for me in my life. I am quick to forget Your endless blessings, Your unceasing care, Your incessant goodness. By Your grace, make me more like Jesus. I fear I am nothing like Him. And, I want to be.
I love You. But, only because You first loved me. Help me to love like You have loved me.