I feel as though every blog I’ve written this year has been the same blog with a different title.
This probably won’t be any different.
But, I promise it will be short. Just the written version of part of the conversation I had with myself on the way home from the gym today. Yes, I’m that crazy person who talks to herself.
The thing is, I might never get anything that I want.
I fought back tears tonight as I thought about how tired I was of the “glimmers of hope” I will get every now and then this year. Sick of these possibilities to get what I want, do what I want, have what I want, etc. Tired of these “glimmers” of what I think is best for me; what I see as what I need.
I’m tired of the glimmers because they’ve all ended in rejection. The glimmers were fleeting. False hope.
I’m horribly imaginative when I get these glimmers. Suddenly, my mind is engulfed with fantasies of how my new life will be. I “get my hopes up”, so they say…way up. Far too up.
Which makes it hurt when the glimmers do not come true.
At this point, the frustration level rises. The strong sense of entitlement sets in (You Owe Me). The sadness ensues.
I promise I’m keeping this short.
God doesn’t change though. He is immutable. No matter my circumstances, God does not change. He always remains God. He’s always Father. He’s always good. He’s always sovereign. He’s always omnipotent. He’s always omniscient. He’s always omnipresent. He’s always faithful. He’s always loving. He’s always in control. He’s always Himself. He doesn’t stop when my life doesn’t look like I want it to.
The thing is I might never get what I want.
Maybe every year will be like this year. Maybe I’ll never get married. Maybe I’ll never have children. Maybe I’ll never look like a supermodel (okay, definitely not a maybe…I will never look like a supermodel, ha). Maybe I’ll never have a job that I enjoy. Maybe I’ll never have a great group of friends. Maybe I’ll never go back overseas. Maybe I’ll never: fill in the blank.
If the Lord never gives me another thing that I “want”, the fact of the matter is, in Christ, God has given me Himself. I get God! The Gospel is the means by which God has graciously looked upon my helpless sinful soul and has made a way through the death and resurrection of Jesus for me to be brought back to Him; the greatest good, the ultimate treasure and satisfier of the human soul.
If God never gives me another thing… If I die tomorrow or in my sleep tonight…if my body becomes wrecked with cancer…if I lose everything and everyone I hold dear…
God has been more than gracious in the giving of Himself to this hopeless wretch. There is nothing that I have done or will ever do to deserve such grace.
So, no matter the circumstances, no matter what may come or may not ever come…I will forever have all that I need and more than I could ever want in Christ Jesus my Lord.
To the praise of His glorious grace.