The more I spoke the more it ached; the more my heart ached. A hot lump arose inside my throat as I tried desperately to swallow the pain. But, the tears came. The tears flooded down my face. There was no stopping them. My body heaved with the tears. I fought a losing battle.
My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?
He’s left me. I know it. I don’t feel Him anymore. I can’t hear Him anymore.
Where are You?
I’m frustrated. I’m angry. Don’t You hear me? Don’t You care?
I’m tired. I’m lonely. Is THIS the plan?
I’m trying so hard to believe You. I know Your Word is true. I know You’re sovereign. I know You’re good. But, God, it hurts. It’s so hard. I don’t see You.
I see You with everyone else. Do You remember me?
Or have You forgotten…
I know You haven’t forgotten. I keep reading it over and over and over again in Your Word that You most definitely have NOT forgotten me. You haven’t left my side for a minute. You don’t change. You’re always here. You’re always righteous. You’re always just. You’re always GOOD.
All things work together for my good, right?
All these things?
I wipe the tears away. How pathetic. I’m weak. It’s not like I have cancer. I haven’t lost the ones I love. I’m not really suffering. I’m just pathetic. Grow up.
Wrong. I am suffering. It’s just a different kind of suffering. Longing for closeness. Desperate for His voice. Aching for His presence, His guidance…SOMETHING.
Why the silence?
The evil sense of entitlement quickly creeps in.
But…don’t you owe me?
I guess not.
A year of silence.
A year of fighting an uphill battle of faith. Faith in my head struggling desperately to reach my heart.
Ah, what little faith I have.
Constant prayer. Daily studying and reading Your Word. Memorizing Your Word. Teaching Your Word.
I wipe the tears away and cry out,
“GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”
Hope in Me.
Hope in You? But, haven’t I?
Hope in Me.
Oh, God, I have placed my hope in future plans that have failed; in multiple jobs that did not want me; in the idea of a husband of my own; in the beauty I don’t possess.
Hope in Me.
Lord, be the bottom of my joy. Ah, I have circumstantial joy.
My joy is waning.
I don’t wane.
All things that happen to you are for your good. There is nothing that has ever happened to you, and nothing that will ever happen to you that has not ultimately been for your good and for My glory. Nothing. I have known every hair on your head and every step you would take since before the beginning of time. Nothing catches Me off guard. Nothing surprises Me. There is nothing that is out of My control.
Help my failing trust.
I am GOOD. I will never cease to be good for in that moment, I would cease to be God.
No matter the circumstance. No matter how hard it may be. No matter how devastating. No matter how painful. I am working it for your good and for my glory. Always.
I gave You a blank check with my life. A friend reminded me that You can spend it or waste it however You choose. I think I wanted You to spend it in some extraordinary way, not hang it on a shelf to be used later…or never at all.
The mundane. The anti-dream job. The monotony of daily life.
You’re spending it like that?
I am sovereign.
God, increase my faith.
Faith in the silence. Faith in the monotony. Faith in the simple.
So by dropping 13 years into the dumpster of history between chapters 16 and 17 the writer underscores the struggle of Abraham’s faith. what happened in those 13 years? Oh, what happened during the previous decade-plus. Abraham played veterinarian to his goats, settled scraps amount his herdsmen, sat up with Sarah when she had the flu, sent scouts out to look for water sources for the flocks-in short, all the sorts of things one does in the wash-your-face, brush-your-teeth, go-to-work routine of daily living. And year follows year that way, and Yahweh’s promise goes unfulfilled. Is the writer not telling us that time can be a severe problem for faith? That it can be hard to go on believing when you have to walk on in ordinary, run-of-the-mill living without seeing any of the fireworks of promise?
-Dale Ralph Davis
Do you believe Me?
I believe. Please, God, help my unbelief.