My Ruined Life.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.”

Proverbs 19:21

I had asked God to ruin my life.

Ruin the plans I had made for my life.

Spend me however He chose for His name’s sake.

The “Blank Check” with my name written on it was placed into His hands.

Be careful what you pray for.

Throughout the many times I have prayed this prayer of surrender, I believe I had a certain idea of what all this “ruining” and “spending” would look like. Or, at least, it was going to look awesome. I was letting go of the reigns, the Lord was taking them, and, my life could not possibly be anything but exciting, right? Right? My life was going to be “spent” for His glory! Sure, it was going to be challenging, but, it was going to be perfect. Perfectly ruined.

Well, PERFECTLY following in step with the entirety of 2012, my life has once again been completely “ruined”.

I’ve been in the process of applying for Journeyman since February/March of this year with the hope of serving back overseas for the next two years. It’s a very long application process, culminating in an invitation to the job Expo which was last week in Richmond. Here at the Expo, you are interviewed and search for a job to fill overseas.

In brief summary, I ended up withdrawing from the Journeyman process…and I am an utter disaster. I am emotionally and physically spent. My heart is worn out, and my eyes are still retaining the painful burn from the unceasing tears.

 But, despite how every FIBER of my being feels…it will all be okay.

In short, I didn’t find a job. I had zero peace about any of them. And, if you didn’t know your three, you had to withdraw. And,…it was devastating. I was just so mad..fighting anger with God because this entire year has been “no”. And the thought of yet another one was too much to bear. This entire year has been this ongoing battle between knowing God is for me, that He is good, and that He is sovereign, and completely feeling like He has utterly forsaken me. Which is not true. There has just been so much seeking and so so so much silence from the Lord in the midst of countless “no’s”, closed doors, and rejections.

Ah, but, He has been faithful to remind me of countless Scripture throughout this painful time. He spoke the well known words to my heart, “Be still, and know that I am God.”

He is still God and has never and will never cease to be so. He alone is my joy and my hope and my salvation. He is the foundation of it all, and though my world may crumble around me, my future is unknown, and I don’t understand His perfect plan,… yet, I will trust in Him.

I didn’t cry yesterday…so, I’m making strides! Ha. I have been weeping and weeping. I teach 12th grade girls Sunday mornings, and I cried the entire class. They wrapped their arms around me and prayed for me. I am so blessed.

I am not going to sugarcoat my feelings. I am disappointed and so very very sad. But, I know everything will be okay. I just don’t know what to do right now, and my future is as blank as it has ever been, but, I will do my best to continue to be obedient, and rest assured in the knowledge that He holds my future in His hands. He is already there.

The wounds are fresh…but, I know I made the right decision. I just didn’t want it to be the right decision.

  “Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.”
Psalm 61:1-3
         Obedience is not easy. But, I am to be obedient no matter how I feel or how greatly I do not understand. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts. Knowing the “Why” is not a prerequisite for obedience and surrender to His will and not mine. Although my heart aches and the tears fall, I am reminded of John 6:66-69:
           “After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve,“Do you want to go away as well?”  Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life,  and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”
            To whom would I go? To where would I flee? Christ alone has the words of eternal life. He is the Holy One of God. And, no matter the pain, I will follow Him. He is my reward.
And, by God’s sovereign grace, He has ruined my life. And, I’m thankful. I’m thankful.
“If you are standing at a crossroad and there are two roads before you; an easy road and a hard road, always choose the hard road because that is the road our Master took.” 
Elisabeth Elliott

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