I try not to write when I’m really sad.
I feel as though it all just comes out as a blubbering mess of self pity and melodramatic anguish. No one wants to read that. I apologize if this comes across that way.
I try, nonetheless, to be honest on here. Painfully honest. I feel as though my blog is simply endlessly riddled with my shortcomings and there is little of my achievements.Those, however, seem few and far between. Much to my chagrin.
Yes, I try not to write during fits of sadness, but, as of late, I have been very sad. I really don’t know how else to put it. Sadness is an odd feeling…because it comes and goes, yet, seems to always remain.
I feel at war. And, more times than not, I feel like I’m losing. I am battling lies and horrible feelings and I am holding onto what I know to be true with all of my might. My little might. I feel so weak. My faith so small.
But, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed…
Oh, I believe. Help my unbelief.
One of the reasons God loved David so much was that he cried so much. “I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping” (Ps. 6:6). “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?” (Ps. 56:8). Indeed they are! “Blessed are those who mourn” (Matt. 5:4). It is a beautiful thing when a broken man genuinely cries out to God. -John Piper
Oh, how weary am I. I think I have cried two years of my life away. Crying out to the Lord to save me. To make the darkness go away.
Then after the cry you wait. “I waited patiently for the LORD.” This is crucial to know: saints who cry to the Lord for deliverance from pits of darkness must learn to wait patiently for the Lord. There is no statement about how long David waited. Only God knows how long we must wait. We can draw no deadlines for God. He hastens or he delays as he sees fit. And his timing is all-loving toward his children. Oh, that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness. I don’t mean that we make peace with darkness. We fight for joy. But we fight as those who are saved by grace and held by Christ. -John Piper
So I wait.
God help me as I wait.
I am prone to anger in this waiting war. I am prone to jealousy in this waiting war. I am prone to frustration and self-pity and worry and anxiety and unkindness. Gosh, you name it, I’m prone to it. My flesh and my heart, oh, how they fail me, but, God is my portion. He is my strength. He is my Redeemer. He is my Father. He is my Friend.
It is utterly crucial that in our darkness we affirm the wise, strong hand of God to hold us, even when we have no strength to hold him.
Most of the time, I don’t feel as though I can hold on anymore. I am losing the war. I don’t want to wait any longer. I’m sick of it all…and in my countless moments of faithlessness, God is ever faithful (2 Tim 2:13). He will never let me go.
I do not know if this waiting war will end. Perhaps in a few months or perhaps in a few years. Maybe, it won’t end. Whatever the case may be, I’m thankful that my gracious Savior will be holding onto me extending more and more grace when I am the least deserving of any.
I pray that He will use me and be glorified in me as I fight for joy.
Give to the winds thy fears,
Hope and be undismayed.
God hears thy sighs and counts thy tears,
God shall lift up thy head.
Through waves and clouds and storms,
He gently clears thy way;
Wait thou His time; so shall this night
Soon end in joyous day.
Far, far above thy thought,
His counsel shall appear,
When fully He the work hath wrought,
That caused thy needless fear.
Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command;
So shalt thou, wondering, own that way,
How wise, how strong this hand.
I shall fight the waiting war. I shall fight it on my knees.