I wish I could apologize to every person face-to-face. “Over-the-internet” apologies are, perhaps, often as impersonal as text message ones. However, my offense reaches far and wide. It would take a lifetime to track down every person deserving of my apologies.
So, albeit impersonal, it is my humble plea that you (yes, you) will accept this blog apology. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
I’m jealous of you. And, for this, I am sorry.
My heart is often plagued by envy.
Dante called envy “love of one’s own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of theirs.”
In Proverbs we read, “A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.”
Another writer has said, “Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.”
Of envy, I am guilty.
I have been jealous of your life. Your family. Your friends.
I have been jealous of your beauty, your flawless face and perfect physique.
I have been jealous of your relationships, your marriages, your children.
I have been jealous of your heart–yes, I hate that it’s the truth. I’ve been jealous of your “holiness”, your Godliness, your goodness. And, I have despaired over the fact that I fail to be like you.
I have been jealous of your jobs. I have been jealous of your joy.
I have been jealous that he wanted you, and not me.
I have been jealous of your place in life–your dreams that always come true.
I have been jealous of your intelligence.
I have been jealous of your things, your clothes, your homes.
I have been jealous of your sense of humor, how you’re witty and smart.
I have been jealous of your athleticism. I have been jealous of all of your abilities that outshine mine.
I have been jealous of your talents, your gifts, and your Spiritual gifts.
I have been jealous of it all.
You name it, I’ve probably envied bitterly after it.
And, for this. I am sorry.
For in envying you, I have not loved you as I ought. I have not been the friend that I should have been. I have not been thankful for the Lord’s blessings in your life; I have coveted them for my own. And, I am sorry.
Believers are called to love as we have been loved, and I have not loved you as Christ has loved me. I have been jealous of you. I have wanted what you have, and felt bitterly towards what I have been given. And, I am sorry.
Perhaps one day I will be able to apologize face to face to some of you. But, if that day never comes, please accept this poor excuse for an apology.
Oh, to grace, how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be.
I am thankful for unmerited grace and unending mercy.
I am thankful that Jesus died in my place for my jealousy.
And, I pray that one day I will be able to love as I have been loved. To genuinely rejoice with those who rejoice–not to secretly envy them.
“…rid yourselves of all…envy.” 1 Peter 2:1
Lord, may it be so.