I hastily wiped the tears away from my eyes and desperately fought back the ones brimming beneath my swollen eyelids.
He doesn’t want me.
I gazed sadly at the reflection in the mirror.
What’s wrong with me?
My distorted vision of my reflection gave way to numerous answers to that question. So much. So much was wrong with me.
Every ____ too ____
I really hate that I fall into this trap and I might be crazy, but I don’t think I’m alone in doing so.
I’ve been single for over 25 years. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I don’t think that’s going to change any time soon. Honestly, I’m okay with that, but I would be lying if I told you that, at times, it doesn’t hurt. Or that, at times, I don’t get angry. Or that, at times, I don’t get frustrated, sad, hopeless, sarcastic, apathetic, jaded, or lonely. Because I do. Unfortunately. A case of misplaced hope.
I’d also be lying if I told you that I don’t often wonder…or not really even wonder, but honestly believe…that there’s something wrong with me.
And I know that you probably know all that I am about to write, and you might roll your eyes or say, “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” and fine. Whatever. But it is my prayer that you and I will not just know it in our heads, but that the knowledge will move from our heads to our hearts, and that we will truly believe it.
I want to dispel some myths of singleness.
Single girls, there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with you.
You are not ugly. There is no such thing. I know we are intense comparers, and we never measure up to the girls in the magazines or to our friends or to that girl at the gym, but we have to stop that. I know that you already know that, but you have to. I have to. There is nothing “wrong” with you. Do you believe that God, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe made you? Because He did. And He doesn’t make mistakes. He can’t. It’s impossible for Him. He intricately wove you together in your mother’s womb and His works are wonderful. You are one of them. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
I don’t know why you’re single right now. I don’t. I don’t know why that I have always been single. But God knows. He is sovereign over every detail of every moment of every day. He is completely sovereign over your and my life. And this God–His way is perfect. There is no flaw in Him. He might be asking you to wait for a short time, for a long time, or perhaps a relationship and a marriage are not in His perfect plan for you. But His ways are higher than our ways, and may we fall on our faces in worship for that. For the One who made the stars and by His mighty hand and outstretched arm the happenings of the universe are perfectly orchestrated, knows far better what is best for me than I do.
I do not know the exact reason why you are single, but know this: it is not because there is something “wrong” with you–sin has hopelessly distorted the image we often see in our eyes when we look in the mirror.
Beautiful single girl, there is nothing wrong with you.
“God has promised to supply all our needs. What we don’t have now, we don’t need now.”-Elisabeth Elliot
Another myth I would like to dispel is one that, actually, really bothers me. In Christian circles, single girls are often told that if they would simply just focus all of their attention on God and somehow, I don’t know, reach some apex of righteousness, then the Lord will provide for them a husband. Mind you, it’s not always worded quite like that, but the underlying idea is still there.
It’s the idea that single girls are defective Christians.
Again implying that there’s something wrong with us. We don’t have our lives together quite like the girls in relationships or the girls who “got their ring by spring.” We’re faulty. We are simply not Christ-like enough or else we’d have husbands by now.
It’s also implying that God owes us for our “goodness” and is somehow obligated to give us what we want when we’re good–as if He were some cosmic vending machine. And Christian girls believe it too. Oh man do we believe it. Every time I read anything along the lines of, “Oh, it was just when I finally stopped stressing out about finding a husband and just really started focusing on the Lord that Mr. Wonderful walked into my life,” I cringe.
Okay, yes, that might be true, BUT what that’s actually saying to every single Godly Christian girl out there is that you are wrong. There is something wrong with the way you are thinking about or desiring a spouse. There is something wrong with where God stands in your priorities. There is something wrong with you.
Don’t get me wrong. We can idolize marriage. We can easily fall into that. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Godly women who simply desire to be married and are not (And there is nothing wrong with that). What you are saying to them is this:
If only you were more like Jesus, then you wouldn’t be single.
Oh, beloved, there’s so much wrong with that statement. It implies that singleness is bad and it’s a gift. God’s gifts are not bad. Singleness is a gift from God to be used for His glory. Singleness is a good thing. You are not defective because you are single. Know that. This statement reminds me of Job’s friends who claim to know the reason for his suffering. They can’t begin to imagine that, in God’s perfect sovereignty, what was happening to Job was not because of sin in his life. It was not a punishment for wrongs, as the friends continuously insisted the suffering was due to. Now, I am not likening singleness to Job’s suffering (haha), but I am saying that, as mentioned in the first myth, we can’t possibly know all of God’s reasoning surrounding our singleness, but what we do know to be certain is that we serve a sovereign and good God who is for us, in Christ, and is not out to get us.
Single girl, you are not being punished for your “lack of righteousness.” Jesus on the cross was punished for your lack of righteousness. And in Christ you are justified, and God sees Jesus’ perfect righteousness when He looks at you.
So this month, week, or possibly today, when you might be tempted to be defeated by your singleness, to hate it, to shake your fists in anger at God, or to simply look in the mirror and pick out all the endless things that are “wrong” with you because that guy you’ve had a crush on for the longest time asked someone else far more “perfect” than you out instead. Or perhaps your heart aches a little from scrolling down a Facebook wall riddled with engagement photos, wedding announcements, and newborn babies…I pray that you and I will know that we have been loved with an everlasting love. We serve a sovereign God who has, at great cost, given us Himself–the ultimate Good and source of real and lasting joy. Only He can “complete you.” His love is perfect and it will never fail you.
And may He wrap you in His arms, single girl, and may you, possibly for the first time, genuinely believe…that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.