God is for me.
He doesn’t let life happen to me even though He loves me, but because He loves me.
There is never a moment when God ceases to be good for in that moment He would cease to be God.
God is always good. He is always faithful.
He has not forgotten me. He has not abandoned me.
These words have been my heart’s cry riddled throughout endless blog entries over the past four years. As I have battled the darkness, the depression, the self-hatred, the frustrations, the closed doors, the disappointments, and, the worst part of all, the silence, over these past few years, I have clung (sometimes tightly, sometimes weakly, but all the while desperately) to these words of truth. God doesn’t change, Shara. No matter what happens. He doesn’t change.
And, God didn’t change when I got out of bed after watching The Fault in Our Stars the afternoon of September 21st and suddenly felt dizzy. My roommate asked me if I’d like to go with her to a prayer meeting, and I remember standing in the kitchen with a puzzled look responding that, it was strange, but, I didn’t feel well. I thought, perhaps, I was just tired and I would wake up the next morning feeling fine.
Throughout the week, I progressively got worse. My health deteriorated quickly. I was in and out of doctors who guessed various reasons for my symptoms–but, nothing was helping and, it wasn’t going away. Possible causes such as diabetes, anemia, cancer, tumors, MS, etc. were suggested and tests were run. However, blood tests, CT scan, x-rays, and an MRI of my brain all came back normal (Praise God). I was sent to a physical therapist and a massage therapist. The mystery continued.
A few weeks ago, I went home because I was unable to take care of myself. And, a little over a week later, excruciatingly dizzy and heavily nauseated, I got on a plane to come back to school for classes.
The mystery continues, but, I am, thankfully, at a more “functioning” level than I was before. I have shown some improvement after visiting a chiropractor who re-aligned a vital vertebrae that was very misaligned (a possible culprit to my symptoms).
My friend asked me if I was going to blog about this. I said I wanted to wait until I was better. That way, I could look back and see what I had learned, and, I don’t know, I guess write some “feel good” happy blog.
But, then it hit me that, so much of what I’m learning, is found in the “not healing”. It’s found in the weeks I have been bedridden. It’s found in the month and a half of chronic dizziness, headaches, and nausea.
I wish I could say that I have been really brave and that my faith has never wavered. All glory to God for anything I’ve done that was honoring to Him during this time.
The Lord has been mercifully revealing to me my impatient heart. It is difficult to be patient and to trust the Lord for healing in His timing. This impatience stems out into various areas of my life. I am impatient with my future. I am impatient with my singleness. I am impatient with the speed of delivery for an item I bought online. We live in a world of instant gratification, and I am not a stranger to the impatience that it breeds.
I wept after a few weeks, crying out to God, “Why?” Why me? Why now? Why doesn’t anyone know what’s wrong with me? Why won’t it go away?
And, I was reminded that knowing “why?” is not a prerequisite for trusting the Lord. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
I have seen and experienced such selfless kindness from friends and from so many people during this time. So many prayers. So many kind words, text messages, and goofy Snapchats. I fail miserably to put into words the thankfulness I have for each and every one of you. You will truly never knew how much you have meant to me.
To keep this from becoming a novel, I just want to say that God is good when my world spins. He is good when I can’t stand. He is good when the nausea won’t go away. He is good when there are no answers. He is good in the non-healing. I don’t want to simply praise God when He heals, but, I want to praise Him when He doesn’t. No matter what happens to me, or to my brain, or to my body–God is infinitely worthy of my praise. He has lavished His unfailing love upon me, and I don’t deserve a bit of it.
Beloved, I don’t know what you’re going through. Maybe life is wonderful–and, I praise God for that. But, when trials, suffering, and pain come your way, I pray that you will know that the Lord loves you so much. He hasn’t and will not abandon you for a moment. He won’t ever cease to be good. You are held in His strong hands. He will never let you go.
I continue to pray, and humbly ask that you would join in praying for my healing. But, if not…
Lord, I resolve that You are good in the non-healing.