Give to the winds thy fears,
Hope and be undismayed.
God hears thy sighs and counts thy tears,
God shall lift up thy head.
Some days it’s easier to pretend to be brave.
I wasn’t brave today. I wasn’t brave yesterday either. And pretty sure I wasn’t the day before that.
I closed my bedroom door, got into bed, and began writing in my journal. A page of questions. That’s all it was. Questions. The questions poured out to God as I began to cry. Tears. Then deep sobs. For the millionth time I prayed for God to heal me. The words became one word, “Please.” It was all I could mutter. I covered my mouth, attempting to muffle the deep sobs as I repeated, “Please,” over and over.
The Lord has been teaching me a lot about fear in the midst of this. I’ve realized I fear many things. Chronic illness will reveal much that is within your heart. It has revealed my idol-laden heart–how tightly I hold onto my dreams, my future, my health–my life. Jesus is holding out His hands, eager to hold mine, but I can’t reach out to Him because I am clinging onto my idols. I don’t want to let go. If this is what is best for me, then I don’t want it. I don’t want to lose everything. So often I have raised my hands proclaiming that He alone is enough. That He alone is all I need. But when I began to lose everything, my heart’s true loves revealed themselves. And I am so afraid.
Through waves and clouds and storms,
He gently clears thy way;
Wait thou His time; so shall this night
Soon end in joyous day.
Tonight I wrote,
Father, my heart is broken thinking about everything I will leave if I do not get well. I fear these good things have become ultimate things–things my heart does not want to let go of. I confess I am afraid. I fear never getting better and living like this for the rest of my life–never being able to do anything I’ve dreamed of doing. I am afraid of leaving CIU. I fear that failure. I fear failing life–never doing anything with what You have given me. I fear being alone. I fear being left behind while everyone else moves steadily along. I fear being nothing–mattering little to anyone, if mattering at all. I fear that this is my new reality–to become a mere shadow of what I used to be. Never to be that girl again. I fear that this is Your plan for me. I fear You will not make this go away. I fear. I am afraid.
Still heavy is thy heart?
Still sinks thy spirit down?
Cast off the world, let fear depart
Bid every care begone.
One thing I am learning is that it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to come broken; shattered into pieces before the Lord, confessing to Him your fears. We don’t have to pretend to be brave.
I am not condoning fear, for fear is a symptom of unbelief. Rather confessing our fears. Confessing that I have loved creation over Creator. Confessing that I am afraid of losing those things. Confessing that I am struggling to trust His plan. Confessing that I am clinging desperately to my desires, afraid of His. Confessing that I believe, but He is going to have to help my unbelief. Confessing that I am not brave. Confessing I need Him to grant me the grace to be brave.
Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command;
So shalt thou, wondering, own that way,
How wise, how strong this hand.
How often God commands us in His Word not to fear. What a difficult command to obey.
I am not very brave. These past months have continued to reveal to me my fears. Albeit, it is my prayer that I will give to the winds my fears. That my soul will find its rest in God alone–no matter what is taken from me. That I will not fear tomorrow, for He is already there. That I will let go of all that I hold onto so tightly and reach out to hold my Jesus’ hands. That He will grant me the grace and the power to be brave.
Far, far above thy thought,
His counsel shall appear,
When fully He the work hath wrought,
That caused thy needless fear.
Thou seest our weakness, Lord;
Our hearts are known to Thee;
O lift Thou up the sinking hand,
Confirm the feeble knee!
Let us in life, in death,
Thy steadfast truth declare,
And publish with our latest breath
Thy love and guardian care.